From the "Talk Amongst Yourselves" Files

We all know that people in H E doublehockeysticks want ice water. They clamor for it, I hear. But what about pets? Not pets in H E doublehockeysticks. Why would pets be there? Even that nonpet chipmunk that sank its teeth into my index finger, necessitating a tetanus booster (for ME, not the chipmunk) does not deserve to go to H E doublehockesticks. What I mean is, "Do pets want ice water?"

Professor of Pet Drinking Preferences #1 puts ice cubes in her cats' water containers. Only in the summer, of course. What do you think she is, crazy? She does that because she knows her cats don't like warm water. They like it cold. With ice. And they turn up their feline noses at hot dogs. They eat mice and birds, but draw the line at sodium-rich, processed offal. So they must be gourmet cats. Who prefer ice water. Perhaps in Waterford crystal.

Professor of Pet Drinking Preferences #2 stops short of the ice spiking. But she knows that horses prefer their drinking water cold. She knows this, because when she dumps out the old water, and puts in fresh water, those horses imbibe like Otis Campbell just released from Mayberry's drunk tank. Whether she leads them to the water or not. She looked puzzled when I asked if maybe, just maybe, those beasts of burden prefer that fresh water not because it is cold, but because it is fresh.

Newsflash! Cats and horses are animals. Animals. They have not adapted to drinking ice water because it gives them some survival or reproductive advantage. The kittens and foals do not inherit a love of ice water from their parents. It is a conditioned response learned by individual animals whose owners provide them with ice water. So don't tell me that cats and horses prefer ice water. They would drink out of a filthy hoofprint like Glen Campbell as Texas Ranger La Boeuf in True Grit, and be glad to get it. My own cats like to lap at the green scum on the plastic pond containing giant goldfish. So I might as well declare that cats prefer fish-flavored green water.

Pardon me for being so skeptical. To convince me of such preferences, you're going to have to (1) make that animal speak, enunciating clearly, declaring his love of ice water. Or (2) perform a controlled experiment, repeatable with the same results. showing that in a side-by-side taste test, and a sample of one hundred or more cats/horses, the majority choose ice water over tepid water. Because that's how I roll.

And for everybody who would like to tactfully explain to me that the proper term is "iced water" and not "ice water", with the latter being water from melted ice, I say: "This is Backroads, Missouri. We call it ice water."