...continued from Novermber 15
There I was, with no flu shot on November 12. My antibiotic course was fini. I rounded up Genius and off we went to Walmart for a quick session of arm-poking before his bowling league. We hustled in and made a beeline for the flu-shot table. It was gone.
I cruised over to the pharmacy to inquire. "Oh. We stopped giving flu shots three days ago." Major bummer. I was jonesin' for an intramuscular jolt of anti-influenza cocktail. My corpuscles were going to work out like Jerry Seinfeld with Lloyd Bridges as Izzy Mandelbaum, so they could give influenza a good old-fashioned butt-kicking should they be accosted by him in a dark artery.
Back we went to Val Town and her Convenient Care Clinic. Because what better place to walk into on a Saturday morning and ask for a flu shot? It was SO convenient! AND we were not charged. Insurance was billed forthwith. After filling out the vaccination questionnaire, we were called back within five minutes.
The practicing nurse practitioner had two syringes laid out for us. As she was dabbing at the left arm of Genius with an alcohol wipe, I said, "This is the dead virus, right?" She looked at me like I was a set of headlights on the original Big Foot and she was a modern-day Bambi.
"Yes. Well. It's attenuated."
"That's not the dead virus. That's the weakened virus. We want the dead virus."
"Why? Did you have a reaction to the attenuated virus?"
"No. But you can sneeze out actual flu virus while you're developing antibodies to the attenuated virus. It's not dead. You can give someone else the flu. And my husband has a compromised immune system. So we can only have the dead virus."
"Oh. Let me go check the box."
Florence Lyingale left the room to rummage through the fridge where she got the vaccine. I was a bit uncomfortable. Because you don't know what you're getting if you don't ask. And maybe if you DO ask. Because Flo Lyin' came back.
"It's your lucky day."
"Why. Is it the virus dead?"
"Uh huh."
Flo started scrubbing up on Genius again. He was about to come out of his skin. "You may get mild flu symptoms and run a slight fever as your body responds to the vaccine."
I took the shot. But I'm not sure what was in it. That possibly-prevaricating wench had better have been telling us the truth. Because if I die of the flu, I'm going to make it my supernatural mission to get even with her.
6 comments:
Got my last flu shot four years ago at which time my dentist and I agreed, we had been sick the entire winter, AFTER we'd gotten the flu shot. I told doc I'd take my chances. She said, "Fine, just stay home for five days if you get it." Five days beats four months of hacking and coughing and well you know.
Was that you sneezing? Bless you!
Only good virus is a dead one. Or a nonexistent one.
I will just take my chances, as I have for the past 36 years. I swear to you that shot made me ovulate while I was already pregnant with twin #1!
Linda,
Gosh! The way you spin it, Thomasina Sawyer, I'm practically chomping at the bit to let feverish folks cough on me! The immunity takes two weeks to marinate in my bloodstream. Plenty of time to contract an actual case of influenza so the dead virus doesn't make me sick.
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Bailey,
When will your public service announcement air?
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Kathy,
Behold, the power of DEAD VIRUS. Not only does it resurrect itself, but it also morphs into a fertility drug!
2 a.m. right between the Forever Lazy commercial and the Shake Weights special. That reminds me. I need a Forever Lazy.
Bailey,
I guess the Pajama Jeans will have to go to the back of the drawer.
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