What a wonderful world Val's would be, if...
...her attendance at a writer's group did not cause all other members to stay away.
...expired cans of biscuits did not explode inside her refrigerator.
...the basement egress she used for dumping the dehumidifier twice a day did not lead through a weird, wacky, multi-level rock garden of sorts.
...her kitchen sink was stainless steel as she had requested at the time her house was built, instead of a light almond color preferred by her husband, or better yet if her dishes were washed in a dishwasher for which a space was left under the counter, which has remained vacant for the past 13 years.
...the young lass who worked the Sonic drive-thru window understood that change from $20.63 for a bill of $9.63 was $11.00, not $10.00.
...various minimum-wage workers did not recoil in horror and exclaim, "Eww!" when she answered their inquiries as to what she does for a living with, "I'm a teacher."
...she had one of those beds that people can jump on and not spill a glass of wine, instead of one which acted as a trampoline to vault her halfway to the ceiling every time her husband turned over in his sleep.
...the four or five people per day that she encountered walking in the road realized that a road was for automobiles, and that they really should have stepped off the pavement so a driver did not have to make the choice of slamming on brakes to avoid (A) hitting them and (B) colliding head-on with oncoming traffic.
...teardrops were pennies, and heartaches were gold.
7 comments:
Now Val, you've got me wondering. Are these all real life events. Why would your attendance at a writers group cause everyone to stay away?
You paint such vivid pictures with your words. I can identify with much of your post especially the bed as trampoline. Often think I'm going to be seasick at night from hubbie tossing and turning
I wonder, too, what you did if the bit about the writers' group is correct. Because there is ONE person in one of my writers' groups that I would love to drive away. Please! I will send in $12.95 + $4.95 shipping and handling if you will sell me the secret behind your scheme. Just kidding about the willingness to part with money (really, I'm jesting). Just kidding about wanting to do something to cause ONE fellow writer to leave (not really kidding).
This post was a delightful blend of whimsy and seriousness. But hey! Think of all the aerobic exercise you get as your husband tosses and turns!
Teardrops were pennies and heartaches were gold...wouldn't we all be wealthy?
The bed, never buy a pillow top mattress from Sam's Club. Two years later, it's like quicksand, you sink deeper into a body pit. If he is 100 pounds heavier than you are, you'll roll into his trench. When he tosses, turns, jerks his legs, flails his arms in killer dream land, you'll get motion sickness, and have to struggle out of the gulley to turn away.
Dishwasher? I was the dishwasher for so many years. Now I have this mechanical thing that fits near the sink. You should try one, you'll never go back to water logged hands.
Kids do that, don't they?! Recoil when you say you're a teacher! But these are the same ones who can't count change....
hocam,
I'd like to think that the meeting mass exodus was a coincidence. Everything is true, except the last one, which is a Dolly Parton/Porter Waggoner duet.
*******************************
Sioux,
I gathered up the nerve to attend my very first meeting, mainly by roping Genius into accompanying me for moral support. We entered the meeting room, and Genius helped unstack and parcel out chairs. They remained empty, except for the dude in charge, and his wife and son. AWKWARD! There will be no charge for this meeting-clearing advice, seeing as how it mainly involves me being me.
Even the bed flop exercise is preferable to his new trick of placing his fist under my back. I feel like a princess suffering the indignities of 10,000 peas, nestled one inside the other like Russian nesting dolls.
******************************
Linda,
We'd have all the riches our pockets would hold.
Funny you should mention pillow top mattress. We didn't get it at Sam's, though. We got it from a local furniture store. It wasn't like that when we tried it out on site. Maybe it was a bait-and-switch conspiracy to give me dark circles under my eyes. To think of all the time we wasted traveling from one merchant to another, laying in beds! No sagging problem, but the motion sickness is making for some restless nights. For me. He never seems to have a problem.
Every year I think about getting a dishwasher. However, we need six new tires more. I refuse to dip into savings for a dishwasher. I also refuse to give up my daily Sonic soda for dishwasher money.
*******************************
Tammy,
The most recent one I repulsed was my new haircutter. (Ding, dong, the Butcher of Seville is gone!) She has children of her own, and still she was disgusted. I know teachers are badly coiffed, but that was uncalled for. It's not like I go into her place of business and badmouth her profession. Oh...yeah...I do.
Val, you are one hilarious woman! When and where will your next Stand Up gig be? Maybe at The Comedy Club in Westport? I cracked up at the bed and trampoline part!
Becky,
My next gig will be in my classroom, the first day of school in August, when I entertain my class with material from my never-ever list. It's always a big hit, the unfortunate faux pas compilation of behaviors that former students have used to try Val's patience. Hopefully, it won't be standing room only. The cover charge is pretty steep: residence in the district, and homework every day of the school year.
Post a Comment