Briefly a Great Notion

Do guys who wear their pants with the waistband sagging way down below their junk know how ridiculous they look? Really? Because I'm guessing the answer is, "No."

I stopped by the store today for some Krispy saltine crackers and some PAM. As I drove out of the parking lot, I had to detour around two young guys, one sporting this fashion statement. Perhaps you've heard of the movie, "Easy A." The speculative script of this dude's trip to the grocery store would be titled, "Difficult A." That's what he looked like. The letter A. The distance between his feet was twice as wide as the span of his shoulders. All in an effort to keep his shorts from dropping to the pavement. He walked like a kid in one of those half-body casts with the plaster bar at the ankles holding the legs apart. His knees did not bend as he swung one leg forward, then the next. All because of his personal trouser style. I know he had knees. I could see them lurking there just barely below the hem of his jeans shorts.

It's not like he was showing off his boxers. His T-shirt hung below his butt, covering the very top of his waistband. What is the point of this costume? It is not flattering. In fact, I think our cheerleaders used to dress up like this back in the day, the purpose being a humorous skit that had us in stitches at the pep rally. Why do these guys want to dress like an old-timey cheerleader and make me laugh?

Right there in the Country Mart parking lot, I had an epiphany. A scathingly brilliant idea. A new product for the infomercial market: boxer jeans. They would be a one-piece garment with an elastic waist, the top part boxers, the bottom part jeans or shorts. So they wouldn't sag. Yet they would still look like they were sagging. The modest male (yeah, right, like there is such a species) could wear briefs or regular boxers underneath, for fear of pantsing. Or depantsing, depending on what region of the country you live in. And the dudes who normally like to go about their day flippin' and floppin' like Kramer when he gave up his briefs can still go commando.

See? My product would be like a dickey for the pants. Fake boxers, sewn to jeans. This would leave the wearer's hands free for carrying both his Slurpee and Big Bite without hitching up his pants every three steps. The schoolboys could carry books and hold hands with the girlfriend in the hall. Don't be hatin' on Val's idea. Who amongst us would have thought there would be a market for pajama jeans? And it's more reasonable than the SNL fake Three-Legged Jeans. Seriously.

I might need to file for a patent. Or not. Because this was a great idea for my trip about town. But then I got home and talked it over with my best friend Google, and discovered that this product has been done.  Even my clever name has been taken, though used for a totally different product.

Back to the old parking lot.