Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Boy Does Not Live By Pop Tart Alone

I have a bone to pick with today's youth. Not a major bone, like a femur or a tibia. A smaller bone. Tiny, really. Like one of the phalanges. The baby-toe bone, perhaps. All you other bones, stand clear. I got no interest in you today. You're Farrell and I'm Rooster Cogburn.

Genius took his ACT in mid-October. He's taken it once before, his sophomore year, and scored a 31. Which is really good, a perfect composite score being 36, and the national average 21. His October score came out today, and he barged into my classroom before school to check it online. He brought his breakfast tray with him. Because anybody who's ever done time in a high school cafeteria knows that food can not be left unattended. Unless you have a strong stomach and weak imagination.

He set the tray on my desk. "Are you eating all of that?" Contents consisted of an open half-pint of milk, an open half-pint of orange juice, three little powdered donuts left in the six-pack, and two chocolate chip Pop Tarts lounging on top of their foil wrapper. Yes. That's how we fuel America's youth. Free to all. The breakfast of champions.

"Don't worry. All of that is only 400 calories. And I don't think I'm going to eat the Pop Tarts." He stated that matter-of-factly while logging into his ACT official site.

"Um. There's no way."

"Yeah. I read the nutritional information. The donuts are 190 calories. I didn't read the Pop Tarts yet."

"Those drinks alone would be 400."

"Oh. I forgot about the drinks. But I was reading a girl's graham cracker calories, and they were 190. Look at the labels if you don't believe me."

"Okay. Donuts...370 calories."

"What? No way. Look here. 190."

"You must not be considering the portion size. No. That's calories from fat."

"Well, I'm not going to eat the Pop Tarts."

"Look. Pop Tarts...410 calories."

"I always plan to eat the Pop Tarts. Then I eat the donuts, and I get full."

"I'm just pointing out that you have to know what you're reading in the nutritional information."

"Okay. I got a 34!"

"I'm really proud of you."

Genius gathered up his tray and left, grinning from ear to ear. You'd think a learned scholar such as himself would be able to calculate the calories in a school breakfast tray.

Wouldn't you?


Bailey @OverYonderLit said...

Calculations? Umm, no. Once I graduated, I made sure I picked a major where I would only have minimal interaction with le maths. I was all, "Art! No maths there!" Wrong, freshman me. There are maths there. So then I took at detailed look at "things" and came upon English and Secondary Education. Bingo! No maths at all. You know, now that I don't have to calculate things anymore, I kinda miss it. That's why I didn't change the clock on my bike. I just have to subtract an hour every time I look at it and want to know if I'm late to class or if I could stop for an Asiago bagel at the 2nd floor kiosk.

Where was I going with this comment? Oh right, congrats to Genius! 34 is great!

Linda O'Connell said...

All that sugar feeds the brain, maybe that's why he's so smart.

irishoma said...

34? Wow! Congratulations! Your son really is a genius!

Val Thevictorian said...

Genius would take the clock on your bike apart, make a special clock with 205 gears (so as not to disparage the 206 bones in the human body), and reattach it with human hair braided to the strength of a steel cable holding up the Golden Gate Bridge. The new clock would be set to ask you every five minutes if you'd like to know the time. In each of the world's time zones.

If all it took was sugar, our entire student body would be rockin' that ol' ACT with a 36.

I must confess. Genius once told me that he learned everything he needed to know from cartoons. From mirages (Scooby Doo) to moon travel (Bugs Bunny on a bent sapling), Genius credits Mom's Little Babysitter for making him the brainiac that he is today. His friends used to call him Jimmy Neutron. Much to his delight. And The Brain. Of Pinky and...

Arlee Bird said...

Sometimes I go off on a Pop-Tart or donut diet tangent. I should be old enough to know it's not good for me, but it's so easy to fix meals that way.

A Faraway View

Val Thevictorian said...

I am reminded of a very old SNL commercial parody, with John Belushi as an athlete who advocated a daily breakfast of Little Chocolate Donuts.