Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Val, Missouri's Most Wanted

I must confess. I went on a killing spree today.

No long trial for me. I did it. And I'll kill again. Sixteen victims and their many children. Sprayed down in the prime of life. I did not even dispose of the bodies. The lone witness may say that I kicked one of the corpses three times. I admit that, as well. It's hard to control my violent tendencies when I'm on a rampage.

It was premeditated murder. I've been planning the attack for several weeks now. I contemplated purchasing a weapon, but I had the means to carry out my mayhem already, ensconced high on a laundry-room shelf. And I knew how to use it. This ain't my first rodeo. This ain't the first time this ol' cowgirl's been known...to kill.

The attack occurred at 11:08 central daylight time. After The View, of course. Bieber was on today. I told my accomplice to wait outside while I checked my weapon, careful that it did not discharge prematurely. Then I stepped out the kitchen door and commenced the carnage. My targets never knew what hit them. They dropped like flies to the wooden planking of the porch. A few seconds of writhing, and it was over. For them. Not for me. I set out on a quest for additional quarry. I was not disappointed.

Prey was ripe for the killing. As I rounded each corner, new targets appeared. It was better than a video game. The objects of my detection did not attempt to escape. I came. I saw. I killed. After one complete loop of the crime scene, all was quiet. Bodies littered the ground. I left them where they fell.

I don't care how much good the victims might have done for the environment, had they lived.

I cannot share my abode with a stinger. Especially not with sixteen of them, and all their little future stingers. Not. Gonna. Happen.


BECKY said...

Oooh, good for you, Val! I would've been right there with you! I HATE wasps and I truly believe they are EVIL! Bravo!

Josh Hoyt said...

Great writing very intense. You had me on the edge of my seat the entire time :)

Val Thevictorian said...

I'm a superhero as well as a cold-blooded killer.


I DO love to belabor a point.

Scoop said...

You must have thick walls. I would suspect had they been thinner, Bieber would have been enough to make them question their choice of residence and move to the neighbor's... I believe Baby at the right volume is more effective than Raid.

Val Thevictorian said...

Now that you mention it, my husband blew in so much insulation when we build this old house that the drywall nails popped out of the drywall in a couple of rooms. So my abode is indeed Bieberproof.

My boys can't stand Bieber. I am kind of neutral. I don't know his songs. I sometimes find him insolent around his elders. Like walking out behind The View ladies with his phone, after his segment was over. That's kind of rude on live TV. From the look on Joy's face, it didn't look planned. But then again, Joy always has that look on her face.