Here are the latest stories, ripped from the headlines of Val's life.
Dog-Eating Pony Thrives Despite Unusual Diet
A thirteen-year-old midwestern boy appears to be hale and hearty, in spite of consuming mass quantities of corn dogs. The little fellow, referred to as The Pony by his family, due to an aversion to My Little Pony Happy Meal toys earlier in his youth, has a taste for the maize canines. He insisted on taking one in his school lunch every day for the entire year. According to The Pony, "I would never eat that junk they serve in the cafeteria." The thought of setting a world record such as that of the Big Mac eater has never occurred to The Pony. "I just like corn dogs," he said.
Wetland Draining Long Overdue
A local woman finally shamed her son into hooking up a dehumidifier that had been placed in her basement two weeks ago by her passive-aggressive husband. She had originally requested a new dehumidifier before Mother's Day. The old appliance had ceased sucking moisture from the air, but continued to emit jet-engine decibels. Bear Grylls recently considered a Man vs. Basement episode, but declined after declaring that a case of basement rot could end his career. He likened the moisture content of the subterranean air to "...the humidity of 10,000 rain forests." Actual humidity was revealed by the new, working dehumidifier to be 75%, or, "Normal," as the man-of-the-house stated. A fact check revealed that this individual had no knowledge of ambient humidity levels, or even a passing acquaintance with reality.
Budding Architect Completes Construction of Eckrich-Ritz Tower
A sixteen-year-old architecture savant revealed his new design Wednesday evening, to an unsuspecting crowd of one. There was no formal ribbon-cutting, but the audience was heard to exclaim, "Ah!" Construction took 90 seconds. Materials consisted of Eckrich Smoked Sausage, sliced to two baloney-widths thick, and Ritz Crackers, low-fat variety. Additional support was provided by Oberle cheese. The tower was pyramidal in shape, with a base of five Ritzes, tapering to an Oberle spire, with load-bearing duties executed by Eckrich. The adolescent engineer has a history of such construction projects, two former structures being his Tokashima Inn (seen below) made entirely of playing cards, and the nomenclaturally-challenged Cat House of '05.
Missouri Man Harvests Bumper Crop
A southeast Missouri gentleman farmer is resting on his laurels after harvesting a bumper crop of hen fruit. His refrigerator was filled to the brim this week with brown, green, and cream-colored eggs from his free-range chickens. At last count, his wife found eighty eggs cooling their never-to-be-hatched heels on the bottom shelf. A woman of unremarkable talents, she banished the crop from the house in a fit of jealousy over the farmer's achievement.
Bouts of Sporadic Excavation Observed in the Heartland
Mrs. Val Thevictorian has been heard tapping the keyboard in feverish fits and starts, one day after being released from her sentence of 174 days of school-teaching. She is rumored to be mining her memory for appropriate anecdotes to fill a book-length humor manuscript. Sources close to the wanna-be author report that the world is a much safer place with Val ensconced in her basement lair for the summer. The sources were also heard laying odds on who in her right mind would want to read what they call "Thevictorian's Folly."