Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dear Crabby, 4-17-11

I feel remiss in my blog behavior of late. Here I am, operating two blogs, when some people have none. How selfish of me! It's time for me to give something back to the blog community. And because I am so selfless, and so adept at making good decisions, such as the time in college when I went over to that car as it pulled off the side of the street, to the dude behind the wheel, who beckoned to me by pointing at his naked wrist and asking if I had the time, only to discover that his wrist was not the sole appendage which was naked, I am going to open myself up to your inquiries.

Yes, you can write to Dear Crabby with your questions about life, love, and the pursuit of crabbiness. No question is too deep. Or too shallow. What's kickin' around in your noggin? Shake it out like a hairless baby mouse from the pocket of coveralls left hanging in the barn, and send it to Dear Crabby.

Dear Crabby is a trained professional. She has an A.A., a B.S.Ed., and an M.Ed. Those three things, along with her high school valedictorianship, plus a dollar and eight cents, will get you a Route 44 Diet Coke with Lime between 2:00 and 4:00 each day at Sonic.

Gather your wits and send Dear Crabby a piece of your mind. Her services will be available every Sunday until May 22. Don't delay. Get your questions in now.

Here's one to prime the pump.

Dear Crabby, 
Why does my son keep telling me that school is like prison?
Signed, Out of Touch

Dear Touchy,
Your son is very observant. The reason he tells you that is because school IS like prison.

*Every fifty-four minutes, there's a head count. Students who are not accounted for are sent to The Hole, also known as In-School Suspension. There, they spend the day in small cubicles with work assigned by their guards.

*Food is dished out onto compartmentalized trays. No knives allowed, only plastic forks and spoons. A minimal time is allotted for meal consumption, to prevent behavioral issues. 

*No physical contact is permitted between student or students/teachers.

*Strict rules are enforced regarding personal grooming, clothing, and hairstyles.

*Student lockers, purses, and pockets are searched with due cause.

*Gum is the currency of the student population.

*The most common sentence is four years, though some are released early for good behavior, and a few are retained for lack of progress.

Send Dear Crabby your questions. In the immortal words of Bluto in Animal House: "Don't cost nothin'."


Josh Hoyt said...

OOh yeah I get to be first. Why does my wife always seem to be right?
Great story about the prison it is so true:)

knancy said...

I once caught part of a news program while getting ready for work about a lock down. As I watched the video it appeared to be a prison. As they began to explain where it was, I began to understand that it was a school! Ugly school, ugly news and ugly realization. I am aghast at the number of students that they incorporate in the consolidated schools and the amount of money they spend to bus children from so many far away areas to get them there in one humongous place. It has been proven that teaching is done much better in small groups. I believe we should have neighborhood schools and fund all equally. Save the money spent on the gas, buses and insurance to finance this.

Val Thevictorian said...

Dear Josh,
Your wife always seems to be right because she IS right. As are all women. We adore you fellows, but there are some things that just need to be done by a woman. Like micromanaging all of the details of your life.

Let's face it. You dudes can't even change the furnace filter when your friend, the thermostat, shouts it out in capital letters. We may not know how to work those thermostat thingamajiggers, but we can darn sure obey the command to change the filter. Which again, we don't know how to do, but that's why we have you guys.

We complement each other in OH SO MANY ways. Accept the fact that the woman is always right, and let her go about her job of keeping you from eating that bologna that's been in the back of the fridge since 2007.

I'm sure that for every man in prison, there was a woman who told him, "You'd better watch out. Keep that up, and you might just go to prison."

Let Dear Crabby be the first to congratulate you on this soap-box dissertation. She couldn't have said it better herself.

But since you did not ask Dear Crabby a question, one is being provided for you:

Dear Crabby,
Do you try to make your posts boring to winnow readership of your blog down to the single digits?

Dear knancy,
No. That is just a happy accident. The fewer readers I have, the less people are likely to comment, and that means more time for me to read the blogs of people who are truly deserving of a large readership.

Josh Hoyt said...

Thanks for the answer you really helped me with this and my life has been changed. Thank you so much :)

Val Thevictorian said...

Well, Josh, that just demonstrates the total selflessness of Val. Taking time out from her busy schedule of polishing unicorn horns and waxing rainbows to give back to the blog community. ;)

Hope your life hasn't changed TOO much. Dear Crabby will be back next weekend, thirsty for more opportunity to help. Don't leave her parched.

Sinead O'Clobber said...

Sorry I'm a week behind. I'm just now getting into the world of Val.

My bad.


Neighborhood schools could suck just as bad as those humongous ones regardless of funding because it's been shown that funding isn't the problem, or at least not the one that has a huge effect on how much learnin' goes on in a place.

My question--
Why do my babysitters keep flaking out? I offer them money, free entertainment, and usually feed them dinner. Is there some kind of babysitter-hiring etiquette that I'm not hip to?

Val Thevictorian said...

You bad, grinning girl!

In answer to your flaky babysitter question:

It takes more than money, free entertainment, and dinner to capture a babysitter these days.

First of all, I'm guessing that you actually expect them to tend the baby. That's a big no-no. Sitters don't want to take responsibility. They would be much more likely to show up if you took the baby with you.

Secondly, you're not providing a platform for the sitter's Facebook updates. Perhaps a portable sign out front, proclaiming Susie to be the best babysitter ever, and rewarding her with a trip to Disneyland for her troubles, would go a long way toward attracting reliable sitters.

Thirdly, adolescents love company. You need to hire a sitter gang, not merely a singleton. And all must be paid. Some beer in the fridge and some prescriptions in the medicine cabinet are perks that sitters look for the minute you're out the door. It could mean the difference in repeat business.

If you are hiring flaky ADULT babysitters, that will take another column.