Backroads Survivor: Life is Not a Beach

As a connoisseur of reality television, I am eagerly awaiting the premier of Redneck Island. It will begin Saturday, June 9, on CMT. Yeah. It looks like a Survivor rip-off. But you know, there are only 36 basic plots in literature. Or 20. Or 7. Or 3. Or 1. Depends on which reference you use. So it would stand to reason that all reality television is just one big ol' rip-off of the original reality concept.

Because I can vary that original concept without ripping off the ripper-offers, I am going to pitch my own reality game show: Backroads Survivor. Thanks to Sioux for the idea and title. She will get nary a penny for her inspiration. Not even a credit. But she IS welcome to apply as a contestant. Just submit a video showing me why you would appeal to my show's demographic, Sioux. Maybe we can even get it on a network that you can watch without pay channels. See? I treat the people I rip off right.

Backroads Survivor will pit husband against wife. City slicker against country mouse. Tailgaters against slow drivers. Shoppers against clerks. Cat people against dog people. Missourians against Missourahans. Toilet paper over the rollians against toilet paper under the rollians. Vegans against face-eaters. The publisheds against the non-publisheds. Killjoys against knee-slappers. Bigfoot Truck drivers against Chevy Volt drivers. Introverts against extroverts. Dry-rubbies against sauceys. Moonlanders against Area 51ers. Good Snippers against long-haired Vals.

I think you get my drift. Contestants may be divided into categories at my whim, to suit viewer ratings. Now let's all lift our half-full or half-empty glasses to toast Backroads Survivor: An Exercise in Countrified Self-Sufficiency.

Here is the basic premise. Twenty-four contestants (twelve from each of the above subgroups) will vie for the title of Sole Backroads Survivor. The prize will be announced after the competition, depending on how well Val likes the winner.

Don't expect a beach. In fact, I'm going to use that as the title of the first episode: Life's Not a Beach. Contestants may procure water and bathe in the creek at the back of the property. Here's a hint on how to find it: go downhill. No need to waste resources on tree-mail.

Two camps have been set up. And for the first challenge, teams will be divided into Arachnophobes and Herpetophobes. The Arachnophobe team will sleep here:

Team Herpetophobe will sleep on just across the gravel path in this facility:

It's a sinkhole with the side eroded that Hick made into a clubhouse for the boys. Yes, I know that's all kinds of messed up. He put limbs over the top as a roof, and expected me to let them play in a sinkhole. Do you get that? A sinkhole! Which may not have done all of its collapsing yet. But that is neither here nor there, as it will make a dandy shelter for Team Herpetophobe.

The winner of the first challenge will be the team that accumulates the largest number of ticks, spiders, reptiles, and amphibians by sunrise.

Good luck. May the best team win, and the worst team face an elimination campfire.

Anybody wishing to apply for Backroads Survivor can leave a comment describing their audition video.