Backroads Miz Manners Explains Chicken Strategy

Dear Backroads Miz Manners,

In your column next week, could you advise about the proper etiquette when one finds one's self in a game of "Chicken" in the parking lot of K-Mart, with a car that is determined to go the wrong way in a one-way aisle? Please?

Sincerely,
Not a Rage-a-holic

********************************************************
Dear No-Rag-aHol,


First of all, pardon me for the butchering of your name. It lent itself to an improper, snickerworthy abbreviation. 


Now, let's get down to the business of handing offenders their butts on painstakingly-decorated platters.


The main goal in a game of "Chicken" is to make one's opponent the chicken. Not a pretty little speckled hen with sweet yellow chicks peeping out from her wings, or a jaunty red rooster strutting across a freshly-mowed front lawn. More like a squawking, bald-necked Turken with molting feathers, fleeing for safety from a real or imagined threat.


To succeed in a contest of K-Mart Parking Lot Chicken, one must assume the mindset of Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes. Do not stop one's vehicle. Do not pull over. Continue until the challenger stops, swerves, reverses, or is plowed into by one's very own automobile. In the event of a collision, one should mimic the attitude and accent of Ms. Bates as Evelyn Couch, and announce, "Face it girls, I'm older, and I have more insurance."


In a perfect world, one WILL have more insurance. Which is a good thing, because one may need it after applying these Chicken-winning tactics. When one is in the right, it is worth a bit of inconvenience and financial hardship to put others in their place. In the event that the chicken is male, one can channel Kathy Bates as Libby Holden in Primary Colors, and point one's concealed weapon (for which one has a concealed carry permit, of course) at the driver's crotch and announce, "Mister, I'm about to make you Missus."


Let's review. One must be a regular Tom Petty in not backing down in a game of Chicken. Be prepared to ram the opposition, or point a gun at its crotch. Under no circumstances should one show weakness, and appear to be a