When the Wind Put My Foot in My Mouth

An ill wind has been blowing all day. I hate the wind. It reminds me of the time I traveled from Missouri to Salina, Kansas. I didn't even want to get out of the car. That's some serious wind there in the flatland state.

The main reason I despise the wind is that it wreaks havoc with my lovely lady-mullet. My stringy locks whip about my head like an inanimate cartoon Tasmanian devil. This effect is particularly annoying when I try to walk from the parking lot into school in the morning. My freshly-applied spearmint Chapstick has an affinity for the flying tendrils of hair that buffet my countenance. Which gives me the appearance of Medusa, trying to swallow her snakes.

One of my most embarrassing moments was caused by the wind. No, it was not an unfortunate Monroe-esque skirt-whipping incident. In fact, I did not even know that it was about to become my most embarrassing moment when it occurred.

Many years ago, as I was entering the school upon morning arrival, I happened across an important district employee. We exchanged pleasantries as the wind pelted us with dried leaves, twigs, and gravel. "This wind is something else," I ventured. "It'll blow the hair right off your head." The employee nodded, and went on his way.

I have a work friend who confesses to always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. She might run into an old acquaintance at the store, and ask, "How's your dad and everyone?" And the acquaintance will say, "Dad died on Thursday. I just came from the funeral." Then there was the time she told a student, in costume, just before the Halloween dance, "How cute! You even have a little pirate beard!" As soon as the student walked away, a companion said, "That's real. She has a facial hair problem."

I normally don't have an issue with this type of faux pas. Imagine my surprise when I mentioned the encounter to my 1st Hour class of sophomores, and they gasped. Gasped! It's hard to shock a sophomore. When they recovered, I asked them to explain what was wrong. They looked at each other. Finally, one brave lad said, "You know he has a toupee, don't you?" Um...no. I had no idea. It must be a really good one. Because that issue had never entered my mind over the entire school year.

Now, if I'm going to make such a flippant comment, I modify it. "That wind will blow the eyebrows right off your face." And I hope they don't have alopecia.