Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Ticking Yard Bomb

And the winner is...

Those of you who entered the First Tick Bite of the Year office pool need to check your master grid. Folks who put money down on Val, April 21, 9:45 a.m., shower, or right hip are winners!

The victim is resting comfortably. The perpetrator is most likely doing the backstroke in a Backroads septic tank, having been summarily flushed after his recent plucking.

Just a clue for those of you who entered the pool for the first time this year. Val is always a sure bet. Never mind that her dainty feet never touch a leaf of grass. That her family tramps the grounds willy-nilly, just itching for parasites to hitch a ride on their shoes, socks, leg hair, and jeans. That an army of chickens have been employed to feast on yard vermin from sunup until sundown. Val is always first-bitten.

Short of encasing myself in a Bubble Boy suit, I am clueless on how to end this winning streak. I am the reverse Susan Lucci. A string of 18 Emmy losses? Pshaw! I am on par with a series of first bites to put that record to shame. Even though I take precautions to prevent infestation.

I walk across the wooden porch, down the wooden steps, onto the concrete sidewalk, into the concrete-floored garage, step into my large SUV, drive to work, step out onto the blacktop parking lot, walk to the concrete sidewalk, and into the tile-floored building. And repeat in reverse on the way home. Weekends, the only variable is the blacktop Walmart parking lot in place of the school lot.

Perhaps I could curtail my evening lovefests with my silky dog Juno. But I see no need to break her heart. She has been doused with flea and tick drops. Besides, Genius sits in the front yard with her at his knee for thirty minutes at a time. And he is tick-free. As is The Pony, who circumnavigates the lawn collecting free-range eggs on a daily basis.

I must emit a pheromone that attracts ticks like catnip attracts cats. Ticknip. Flowing from my pores like sweat in a Gatorade commercial. Whereas Hick gives off tick-repelling waves of energy, like those sonic plug-in boxes repel rodents.

In an effort to make lemonade of this phenomenon, I have been brainstorming. The best solution so far is to hire myself out for BBQs and outdoor weddings and camp-outs. Forget those citronella candles and insect foggers. All I have to do is stand in the designated area, and ticks will latch onto me like flies sticking to flypaper.

And I'm environmentally friendly.


Stephen Hayes said...

People often invite me to BBQs because my body temperature is slightly higher than others and I attract all the bugs. Never had a tick bite, though.

knancy said...

Well, Ms. Ticknip this posting had me laughing all the way through it. Thank you! Evey word, every sentence. Envisioning you in place of a citronella candle - OMG - too funny just standing there drawing in those ticks! Gotta go pee before I have a.........

ingasmile said...

Our personal Ticknip also had his first attached tick this evening. We were at the Red Carpet at Prom when I discovered it in his scalp. They love his tender, sweet head. I showed the lady I was speaking with who barely paused in the conversation as I proceeded to pull that bad boy out. You know you are a hillbilly when at Prom you pull a tick from your youngest head and nobody even blinks an eye!!

Sioux said...

What is your hourly rate? Do we have to feed you and give you beverages? Since you're like a bug-magnet rock star, what kind of crazy requirements do you have before you will "perform" at an event?

Linda O'Connell said...

Will you entertain in other ways, or will you just stand there like a candle in the wind?

Val said...

Well. I suppose congratulations on you hotness is in order. But you ain't exactly Ticknip.

Incontinence. Just one more service that I offer.

What a loving gesture of affection. And I don't see anything out of the ordinary about this scenario. The city slickers, however, may be shaking in their Uggs. With horror.

I'm willing to barter for gas station chicken. I don't imbibe or ingest on the job. But a plate of leftovers would be nice. My event rider prohibits clean-haired people in Crocs. Absolutely NO eye contact. The person in charge must toot a horn for me, and recognize my 89th Place finish in last year's Writer's Digest Annual Writing Contest, memoir division.

I'm no tiny dancer. And fuse-burning, alone or otherwise, is reserved for 4th of July celebrations. But as long as you don't let the sun go down on me, or go breakin' my heart, or holler, "The b*tch is back!," I'll sing your song for you.

ingasmile said...

Got a email from the school nurse yesterday. Ticknip had struck again. Same tender sweet head. Now he has 2 boil size knots to show for it.


If anybody gets Lyme Disease it will be that boy!


Val said...

That can't be good! I have an itchy welt, but no boily knot. Musta been a special tick for your boy.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

We have a nightly tick inspection here. I pulled 6 off he who in just one night! We put out flea and tick granules around the perimeter of the park, but he still manages to bring them in on his body and clothes. Too bad they don't make frontline for people ...

Val said...

Maybe you can get him a flea and tick collar. A masculine kind of choker.