Several years ago, on my other blog, I vented about a subject that rankled me. That's what blogs are for, right? I was annoyed with commenters who go out of their way to be world-class a$$ki$$ers. I'm not talking about regular commenters who are friendly with the blogger. I'm talking about people who comment on hugely popular blogs, the blogs with hundreds of comments per day. Did you ever notice how nobody disagrees with such bloggers?
I'm not saying that popular bloggers deserve to be disagreed with. It's not like they're bragging about eating fetuses, or making jeans out of human skin. But sometimes, commenters justify things that I find appalling. Maybe the popular blogger wiped a hamburger bun on his butt and served it to a rude customer. Or told off her child's principal after Sonny was suspended for missing 43 days of school. Yet the commenters fall all over themselves congratulating the blogger for such behavior. Do people do this to look cool? To draw traffic to their own blogs? In hopes of getting listed on the blogroll? How many new points can be made after the first 100 comments? "I agree." "Right on." "I did the same thing." What's the point of comments like that?
Because I am a spiteful, jealous old hag, I am going to pretend I am a popular blogger. Here's a post from my fictional, widely-read blog named:
THE SH*T...POPULARITY AT ITS ZENITH
Sunday, February 31, 2013
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN
Yep, it's that time again--time to go harvest the eyeballs out of the kittens. I had to drive over to the kitten coop, since we moved it from the back yard to our new farm, The Kitty Ranch. My kids should be OK for the five or six hours that I'll be gone. I put Angus in the pet carrier again, and handcuffed Mortimer to the bedposts. Had to cuff the legs and arms this time. Who'd a-thunk that boy could drag a four-poster bed all the way to the living room. He is extremely buff for a 5-year-old. As a precaution, I gave Angus his granddaddy's pistol in case Mortimer gets loose and starts poking him with the butcher knife again. Angus has darn good aim for a 2-year-old.
Do you think I'm rushing the harvest with these 3-week-old kittens? I get a better price for the tender eyeballs. Once they've aged a few more days, they toughen up, and I lose one cent per eyeball. That really adds up. The kids love the harvest season. All those leftover kitties to play with (and by play, I mean dropping them in the sinkhole, chasing them with the 4-wheelers, lining them up for target practice, seeing whose dog can catch the most, betting on which one falls off the porch first, etc.).
Tonight I am using some of the fresh kitty eyeballs to make a delectable chutney to serve with my rack of lamb. Pomegranate, kiwi, pawpaw, kumquat, and fresh kitten eyeballs. Yum! I can hardly wait. In fact, I'm going to get started right now. Tomorrow, I'll let you know how it turned out.
posted by THE SH*T at 2:47 p.m. ...comments 10 sh*tters sh*tting
Great post, SH*T! I love hearing about your daily life. Can't wait to hear how that chutney turned out!
Snooty McSnooterson says...
My kids love it when I send some fresh kitten eyes with caviar and toast points in their lunch for Montessori school.
It would be my pleasure to babysit them SH*T kids! Any time, any place. Preferably that isolated ol' woodshed ya got out back.
Miss KissieA$$ says...
There's nothing like fresh kitten eyes to add a burst of flavor. I like to make my own pizza dough from scratch, then layer fresh mozzarella, kitten eyes, and sun-dried tomatoes. So simple, yet so delicious! Baked on my pizza stone in my wood-burning oven, it is TO DIE FOR!
Ain't kids a blessing? My Zebulon could shoot before he could walk.
Cocoa Nose says...
My Dear Hubby loves the smoothie I make him with kitten eyes, mango, and fresh-squeezed goat's milk! You ROCK, TS!
Voice of Reason says...
Um...maybe it's just me, but popping out kittens' eyes is illegal in my state. Could I substitute some other ingredient? Maybe those imitation kitten eyes that are made from tofu? Walmart has them in the deli. :)
We love the eye-harvesting season, too! Nothing like popping those puppies out with your thumbs and filling a bucket in no time! Haha! I crack myself up! I referred to kitten eyes as 'puppies'! Haha! Love your blog! I'm adding you to my blogroll.
Great Googley Moogley, where is that ignorant Voice from, Missouri? And Psychophant? Any fool knows that kitten eyeballs must be popped out with a silver-plated platinum eye-scoop with a filigreed handle. What a freak! I bet she's still doing it under the light of a full moon, and wearing overalls instead of silk pajamas. Country bumpkin!
THE SH*T says...
Yeah, I'm gonna block Voice's IP. I don't need his kind of sh*t here. How dare he discredit me on my own blog!
You're right about Psychophant, A$$munch! Freakin' hayseed!
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a real blog entry. It is not intended to imitate any blogs I have or have not read. It is a general statement about how I perceive some comments to be ridiculous. It is only MY opinion. I have five cats, they have all been neutered, and amongst themselves, they have ten good eyes. That's "good" as in working eyes with which they see. Not as in delicious.