Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Personal Hygiene of the Kyocera KM 6030

Do you ever wonder why the copy machine cannot run a simple set of thirty two-sided papers without stopping to lick its own butt? You may plan on darting in the workroom and darting out with your thirty copies hot off the press, but Kyocera has an agenda. A primping agenda. Oh, he may suck in your original. But you're not getting thirty copies. "How about five?" says Kyocera. Silently. And commences grooming, a now cleaning message left in fine print on the control panel.

You can never quite be sure when Kyocera will return. Somewhere, deep inside his housing unit, a de-grubbing scenario is unfolding. I can only imagine what is taking place. Here are my top ten suspicions.

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1. Grandma Kyocera is relaxing in her pink enamel tub with some of the several hundred bath beads her grandchildren have lovingly provided her every single holiday since they were born.

2. Rapscallion Kyocera is passing a cat-saliva coated paw over his face for a quick lick-and-a-promise before spitting out the rest of your order.

3. Dirty, Dirty Girl Kyocera is douching and spritzing and powdering herself to appear presentable to polite society.

4. Harried Housewife Kyocera is soaking in an oatmeal bath, wishing she was submerged in mineral mud like that time she attended a time-share pitch in exchange for a day at the spa.

5. Man's Man Buck Kyocera is scrubbing with Irish-Spring-on-a-rope until his skin glows pink enough to complement his cabled fisherman's sweater.

6. Ivory Soap Ingenue Kyocera is 99 and 44/100 percent pure after sliding Ivory repeatedly over her porcelain epidermis in an effort to break away from evil twin Dirty Girl.

7. Little Pigpen Kyocera has evaded the dust cloud that normally envelopes him in order to sit in a heaping tub of Mr. Bubble, making sudsy facial hair, with dreams of Grandma walking in to shriek, "There's a MAN in my bathtub!"

8. Crusty Battleaxe Kyocera is not available for copies just now, as Calgon heard her cries and took her away.

9. Cialis Commercial Actress Kyocera is currently occupied lolling in side-by-side clawfoot tubs with her present paramour, Nonworking Canon.

10. Goop Guy Kyocera is obsessively rubbing his nooks and crannies with a jar of Goop Hand Cleaner and dreaming about his glory days.

11. Metrosexual Kyocera has lost track of time while plying himself with lotions and gels and styling mousse.


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If you have time to kill, Kyocera will get right down to business and shoot those copies out like Nerf machine-gun darts at a little brother. No matter how grubby he is. That's the law of the White-Board Jungle.

5 comments:

Linda O'Connell said...

LMAO, I know exactly what you mean!

Val Thevictorian said...

Linda,
Sadistic Mr. Kyocera rubbed salt in my wound this morning when I pushed his buttons expecting 80 single-sided copies, and he spit out ONE before flashing me his NOW CLEANING line. I'm starting to suspect that he has OCD.

Tammy said...

Too funny! And too true.

labbie1 said...

LOL--sounds like my computer and printer!!!! Must be an electronics thing--I swear, my computer can sense the sweat through my fingertips! LOL

I vote for #2 and methinks you know just a little too much about #4...

Val Thevictorian said...

Tammy,
Just another little segment of the universe that conspires against me.

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labbie,
Never let them feel you sweat.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am not exactly a spa kind of gal.