A Faker's Half-Dozen

Sioux has graced me with an award. It's no leg lamp, but it's not a broke-down Crog, either. And I'm all about free stuff. So I'm going to tell y'all a few little-known facts about myself. After all, it's my favorite subject.

1. Sometimes, despite my best intentions, I fall asleep in the recliner at 7:45 p.m. and awake at 1:00, realizing that I missed my daily blog post.

2. I love a good post-apocalyptic yarn. On the Beach, Earth Abides, Lucifer's Hammer, One Second After, The Stand, or Alas, Babylon...any way you slice it, I revel in the cataclysm. Virus, meteor, or nuclear bomb, it makes no never-mind to me. I love to see who takes charge, and who perishes due to stupidity. How contrived social conventions fall by the wayside, bowing to survival of the fittest and smartest. Sometimes the meek prevail. But not often.

3. To balance my karma, and appease Even Steven, I am also a fan of humorous, slice-of-life authors such as Jen Lancaster, Celia Rivenbark, Hollis Gillespie, Laurie Notaro, Lauretta Hannon, David Sedaris, Wade Rouse, Haven Kimmel, and Chelsea Handler.

4. As I type this, I have a tiny Band-Aid above my left eyebrow. I've not been injured, operated on, poked with a stick, had an unfortunate curling iron incident, nor bitten by a brown recluse. Neither am I trying to look all Nelly-cool. It worked for him. For me, not so much. I'm sure it's just the location of the miniature plastic adhesive strip. Cheek = cool. Eyebrow = loser. Actually, mine is to hold some triple-antibiotic ointment over a wayward eyebrow follicle.

5. Jelly Belly flavors enjoyed by Ms. Val Thevictorian are: buttered popcorn, toasted marshmallow, Tutti Frutti, and bubblegum. Those she abhors: dirt, sardine, earwax.

6. I have had several near-death experiences. In my mind, anyway. They range from nearly falling into a roaring Alaskan stream where I saw a grizzly bear and salmon poachers, to rolling a Chevy Chevette three times down the center line of Missouri Highway 8.

7. I have a fear of heights and deep water. Because really. Depth is just height under water. The day I was supposed to jump off the 10-meter tower (that's 33 feet, you know) in my Swimming and Diving Techniques class was particularly stressful. I told the instructor that I simply could not do it. And that if it meant I had to drop the class, change my major, whatever...I would just have to change horses in the middle of that ol' higher education stream. Another girl voiced the same fear. He talked HER into jumping off the platform. It was outdoors. She changed her mind on the way over the edge, turned around in midflight to try and grab the platform, and swung in toward the concrete pool deck. She missed it by about 18 inches. The instructor covered his face with his gradebook, so certain was he that she was going to end up as a flesh-and-crushed-bone pancake. Lucky for her, she survived with only a full-body bruise. The instructor offered to give us both the credit if we agreed to take his beginning swimming class for a second time. Piece of cake. The hardest part of that was the 30-minute drownproofing test. All you had to do was float like a dead man, face in the water, DEEP WATER, under the 3-meter board. No touching the sides. We both passed.

And there you have it. Seven things you didn't know, and possibly didn't want to know, about Val. I am not passing on this award, because the last time I bestowed such an honor, none of the recipients played along. So don't worry. Val's not giving out any more such gifts. Spurn me once, shame on...shame on you. Spurn me...you can't get spurned again. That's what I always say. I heard that from some world-famous dude one time.