Local Woman Performs Surgery in Kitchen

A local Backroads woman undertook a risky operation today in the kitchen of her home. Mrs. Val Thevictorian removed an opaque growth from the left upper quadrant of a patient known hereafter as Frigidaire.

The patient presented with complaints of a blockage in his refrigeratory system. Though he didn't speak English, faux Dr. Thevictorian deduced the problem from the grunts and grumblings of the patient upon efforts to provide an ice sample for the lab. Frigidaire was so compacted that a total removal of his frosty bladder was necessary to establish the extent of the blockage. Dr. Thevictorian immediately scheduled emergency surgery in the kitchen theater.

The patient's organ and a few sundry bits and pieces were removed and placed upon the cutting block. Dr. Thevictorian called for a scalpel, only to discover that she was alone in the operating room. She hurriedly grabbed the next best instrument available: a dull butter knife. Because the patient had not carried out pre-surgery protocol, Dr. Thevictorian found the frosty bladder to be full of icy stones. She shook the bladder over the liquid waste trough to gain access to the walls of the organ. Rather than the smooth, white sides she expected, Dr. Thevictorian found parts of Frigidaire's frosty bladder coated with rough, opaque plaque.

Dr. Thevictorian hacked at the plaque with her dull butter knife until chunks separated from the walls of the frosty bladder. She flung them across the kitchen operating theater into the liquid waste trough. She stuffed the frosty bladder with cellulose packing until all excess fluids were absorbed. Then Dr. Thevictorian reached into Frigidaire's body cavity to remove free-floating stones. She whacked at Frigidaire's metal rotator cuff until extraneous plaque fell off. The frosty bladder was reattached.

The operation lasted twenty-three minutes. Upon signing off on her surgery log, Dr. Thevictorian noticed the sundry bits and pieces remained on the cutting block, next to the sodden packing and the dull butter knife. She quickly reopened Frigidaire and stuffed the rest of his parts back where they came from. She laid the surgical instrument next to the autoclave, and disposed of the packing in the hazardous waste bin.

It was a successful surgery for Dr. Thevictorian. Today's operation, plus one more, will make it two in a row. Dr. Thevictorian is considering a career as an unlicensed physician. Or perhaps a refrigeration technician.