I have started reading a new book. Only one-and-a-half chapters in, I can unequivocally report that Chelsea Handler is a wanker. According to Webster, synonyms for wanker include dumb egg, big stiff, dummkopf, and dickhead. Which I must admit are much nicer than the synonyms for a$$h0le, which someone of perhaps less refined breeding than myself might call her.
There is the edge of insanity, and then there is the abyss. Or so said Andrew McCarthy to Demi Moore in St. Elmo's Fire, which came after my other favorite McCarthy moment of flicking his cigarette ash into the stir-fry as Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy made out a short distance away.
I would like to think that Ms. Handler's cruel pranks are a symptom of success, and the need to constantly top herself in order to mine new material for books and her TV show. But evidence points to a pattern of such behavior far before fame befell her.
And it's funny as hell. Seriously.
I have participated in pranks devised by others, and I have engineered several of my own. But they are mild compared to those of the master, Handler. She would not deign to kidnap a wastebasket daily for 30 days from an anal-retentive English teacher, nor fill a dorm elevator with the ninth floor's lobby furniture, nor play a graphic moment from a pr0n movie to a spinster counselor under the guise of flipping channels, nor remove furniture and fill an entire room with crumpled newspapers, nor scan a letterhead from Dish Network and make a grown man cry over the purported cancellation of his pay-per-view wrestling main event.
While reading Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me, I am torn between two emotions: shock and disbelief. Shock that a person could actually foist such pranks on other human beings, and disbelief that she has lived to prank again. I can't wait to get to the next chapter.
Being an a$$h0le pays way better than teaching.
5 comments:
maybe we can tag team.
I will have to find this book, I need to laugh more .......
Linda,
There's a plan! One day you can be the caring school marm, earning an honest living, and I can be the a$$h0le. And the next day...well, chances are I'm still the a$$h0le. But in theory, it could work. I would gladly split the riches that fly my way from being an a$$h0le with you if you take the heat off my immoral behavior so that my teaching license is not revoked.
When it's my turn to be the good cop, I will try not to freak out from the responsibility of teaching your tiny, tender charges. I am used to a hardier bunch, somewhat jaded, able to spar with me in a good-natured battle of wills. I am not adept at molding vulnerable young minds that may be discouraged by one inadvertent glance from my evil eye.
**************************
Kathy,
I got mine at Walmart. It's hardback because it just came out. I don't know if libraries carry it, because every year when I go to my library, they want to charge me $15 for three library cards because we live outside the city limits. Even though there is no city tax, townies get to use the library for free. What's up with that? Are they afraid I'm going to put too many miles on their books?
I have to pay for library priviledges, too. The librarian acts like all the books are hers ........ and I have met the local townsfolk. She should put her watchful eye on them!
Kathy,
A couple of years ago, on my other blog, I devoted two or three posts to Cerberus and Ruthusela, the two flies in my book-borrowing ointment.
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