Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Monday, March 5, 2012

Backroads' Most Wanted

Shh...don't let Homeland Security in on this, but my mom is a latent Public Enemy Number One.

Last week, we attended The Pony's academic team meet. One of his buddies has a younger brother, so the parents had picked up some earphones for him to listen to his computer games while the meet was in progress. You know how hard those plastic packages are to pry open. The mother came to our table and asked if anybody had some scissors.

Don't go thinking that folks here in Backroads roam the countryside, concealing scissors willy-nilly. That's not our style. The academic coach was sitting at our library table, so the mother was wondering if there might be scissors in the librarian's desk. She wasn't being forward. She's also a faculty member within the district. We have certain unalienable rights. Don't begrudge them. We have so few perks.

Before Coach could rifle through the librarian's desk, my mom hauled her snack-filled purse onto the table. She rummaged momentarily, then withdrew a zippered bag. The kind of purse bag that most women of her years would use to hold lipstick and powder. Not MY mom. She whipped out three knives. They were Case pocket knives of varying colors and sizes.

Some might assume that Mom was merely carrying them as keepsakes. That they had belonged to my dad. Au contraire. You know what happens when you assume. And I'll thank you not to make me an...um...one of those donkey-animals. Mom carries those knives just in case somebody might need a knife. And not to cut warm butter.

She handed the medium-sized brown knife to that mother, who used it to slice through the hard, clear plastic at approximately the speed of light. That blade was razor-sharp. The kid put on his earphones, the mother folded the knife and handed it back, and Mom stowed it away like it was perfectly normal.

Did I mention that weapons are not allowed on school property?

12 comments:

Sioux said...

Too bad the school doesn't have a metal detector. It would have kept out riff-raff like your mom.

Josh Hoyt said...

I bet she gets expelled. Great story!

labbie1 said...

Mine is a Swiss Army knife--sharp and so are the scissors in the knife! :)

labbie1 said...

PS--Good for you Mom!

Stephen Hayes said...

I always knew it wasn't a good idea to assault old ladies, but now I know why.

Linda O'Connell said...

Your mom comes prepared. THREE knives! What esle does she harbor in her pruse?

Val said...

Sioux,
We're not that big and we're not that rich. Our metal detectors are called "tattletales."

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Josh,
Dang!There she goes, bringing shame on the family again. Like that time she tried to buy cold medicine for my niece, and the Walmart pharmacy people demanded to see her driver's license. "I was embarrassed," she said. "They thought I was making THE METH."

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labbie,
I love those gadgets. You and my mom can both have a place in my doomsday bunker.

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Stephen,
She might turn you from a rooster to a hen with one slice.

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Linda,
Well, her purse is not nearly so stylish as your new red one, but it is normally stuffed to the gills with pens, tissues, a pink beaded change purse, and two zip-lock bags of hard candy that she uses to torment parents in church by offering it to their kids.

Leenie said...

I like your mom.

Val said...

Leenie,
She's a peach. A well-armed peach.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

So, your mom is a boy scout .... always prepared.

Val said...

Kathy,
You ain't a-woofin'! And her house might show up on Doomsday Preppers, because her pantry is stocked to the gills. That's where she got the four-year-old ranch dressing that she served me one Thanksgiving.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.