Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Saturday, January 7, 2012

My Kingdom for Captain Morgan

I dashed to Save A Lot this afternoon to grab some bananas and milk. It was not a real shopping trip. Just necessities. And five individual bags of Jalapeno Munchies for Genius, because they are hard to find. So you can see, I was not on a mission to attract paramours today. Not that I ever set out consciously to waft my powerful pheromones toward the unsuspecting.

I am pleased to report that no customers approached me for a prospective love match. I am displeased to report that someone else was sending out pheromones. And not in a good way. I'm thinking the only takers for his chemical attractant might have been carrion-eaters and catfish with a yearning for stinkbait.

The odor assailed me on the egg-and-cheese aisle. I thought it was a young woman and her slightly unkempt dude. Little did I know it was an older cat a couple of aisles over. I passed him by the smoked processed meat section, and turned to look over my shoulder for the young couple. But they were still fingering the shredded cheese.

It was bad. Imagine the smelly parking valet who funked up Jerry's car so bad that Elaine's hair even smelled like his BO. So bad that Jerry tossed his keys to a bum at the end of the episode, and even HE didn't want the car. The aroma emanating from Smelly Cat was not BO. It had another layer. An unwashed nether-region kind of note. If he had been PigPen, I could have at least seen the cloud around him. Any other cartoon would have shot tendrils of scent in zig-zaggy clouds in all directions. But I had no warning until I walked into a pocket of his essence.

Danged if I didn't end up in line right behind him. The checker took a slight step back. Her eyes watered. She spoke without inhaling. As he walked away, she dabbed a tissue at the rivulets running out her nostrils. I could not take another whiff of that noxious pocket of cast-off molecules. I had to mouth-breathe.

The worst part of being a science teacher is knowing that a smell originates from cast-off molecules. When you inhale a stink, you are taking molecules of that substance right into your body. Sad, but true.

I've got a little bit of Smelly Cat in me now. Captain Morgan would be much more welcome.


Tammy said...

That was my all-time favorite Seinfeld episode. The B.B.O. I had to laugh my way through yours until the cast-off molecule part. Yesterday at Walmart, coincidentally also in the shredded cheese aisle, I walked right into the aftermath of some guy's noxious gas emission. Gak.

Sioux said...

I am never without a fashion scarf around my neck. Not only does it hide the turkey skin I'm developing, but when a noxious odor is unavoidable, I put the scarf around my nose and mouth as a buffer. (The perfume build-up that lingers on the material is a welcome alternative.)

Did I just hear Phoebe singing at "Central Perk," or was it just my imagination? Excuse me...I've got to run and check.

By the way, I rarely find any smell objectionable. Years of orking around ten-year olds whose mothers tell them they're too young to wear deodorant has ruined my sinuses.

Stephen Hayes said...

I think I've stood in line behind this guy once or twice.

Bailey Hammond said...

It's people like that who should live in a bubble. Molecules. Good grief. Now I'll never be able to stop thinking about breathing in molecules. This is why I'm an English major, not a Biology major. Science makes me think waaaay too much about the little things. (haha) And too much thinkin' just isn't good for the ole noggin'. :)

Sioux said...

I "ork" and I work with kids. Orking is when you're working your butt off, trying to get a concept to stick, and the kids are snoring and playing and daydreaming and talking to each other.

Linda O'Connell said...

Those mountain men! Imagine his long johns could stand alone.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Reminds me of a camper some years ago. I actually gagged, couldn't help it. She wanted to buy some shampoo to bathe her cats. I told her she could have the shampoo if she promised to bathe along with her feline friends.

Val said...

So sorry to inform you that you ingested some of that guy's fecal molecules.

But on a lighter note, that Seinfeld episode featured the video store that at one time led George to spill grape juice on the white couch of the family he coerced into letting him watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with them. And also caused Elaine to pursue Vincent because of his movie picks, until his mother caught her bringing underage Vincent fireworks and vodka and cigarettes.

Not just a fashion statement, but a Michael Jackson surgical mask of sorts!

Yes, you might have heard Phoebe acting the troubadour for her caffeinated friends. I was not a fan, but of the few episodes I caught, that was one.

Had that odor only been BO, I would have counted my lucky stars.

I have one class period where I "ork" regularly. Every year, it's the same subject that ramps up my orkitude.

I'm betting it was once. Because if it was twice, you would definitely recall, and demand credit for both episodes.

Sorry to overload your noggin. Don't even start thinking about the time you dog drank out of your cup. Just in case a couple of dog saliva molecules lingered after washing. Did you know that dogs lick their own butts? It's true! English majors may be in the dark on that one. But not any more!

Oh no you di unt! Rub a dub dub, painful flesh wounds in a tub! A smelly old gal getting ripped to shreds by her smelly cats.

Seriously. None of my cats ever stink. They bathe themselves. So maybe that was just an excuse. Or the gal was a hoarder with piles of feline corpses buried under her treasures.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Imagine getting trapped in an elevator. At least in a check out line you can "pretend" to have forgotten tampons or something and circle back.

Val said...

I'm not trying to be rude and avoid the stench from my high horse. But seriously. If you can get yourself to Save A Lot, you can get yourself to the fast food places and convenience stores within a quarter-mile. Last I heard, paper towels, soap, and faucet water there were free.

Val said...

Have you been feeling not quite yourself lately? In limbo, maybe? Or like a loaf of processed pork parts? Because you just turned up this very day in my 5PAM folder. So I released you to the wild again, hopefully, by marking you as NOT 5PAM. And you popped up in your rightful place in the comments.

Anonymous said...

haha lol well written. Clever and funny

Val said...

Thanks. That's because I'm a woman. And because I read your blog, I know that as a man, you're only complimenting me for one special reason.