I dashed to Save A Lot this afternoon to grab some bananas and milk. It was not a real shopping trip. Just necessities. And five individual bags of Jalapeno Munchies for Genius, because they are hard to find. So you can see, I was not on a mission to attract paramours today. Not that I ever set out consciously to waft my powerful pheromones toward the unsuspecting.
I am pleased to report that no customers approached me for a prospective love match. I am displeased to report that someone else was sending out pheromones. And not in a good way. I'm thinking the only takers for his chemical attractant might have been carrion-eaters and catfish with a yearning for stinkbait.
The odor assailed me on the egg-and-cheese aisle. I thought it was a young woman and her slightly unkempt dude. Little did I know it was an older cat a couple of aisles over. I passed him by the smoked processed meat section, and turned to look over my shoulder for the young couple. But they were still fingering the shredded cheese.
It was bad. Imagine the smelly parking valet who funked up Jerry's car so bad that Elaine's hair even smelled like his BO. So bad that Jerry tossed his keys to a bum at the end of the episode, and even HE didn't want the car. The aroma emanating from Smelly Cat was not BO. It had another layer. An unwashed nether-region kind of note. If he had been PigPen, I could have at least seen the cloud around him. Any other cartoon would have shot tendrils of scent in zig-zaggy clouds in all directions. But I had no warning until I walked into a pocket of his essence.
Danged if I didn't end up in line right behind him. The checker took a slight step back. Her eyes watered. She spoke without inhaling. As he walked away, she dabbed a tissue at the rivulets running out her nostrils. I could not take another whiff of that noxious pocket of cast-off molecules. I had to mouth-breathe.
The worst part of being a science teacher is knowing that a smell originates from cast-off molecules. When you inhale a stink, you are taking molecules of that substance right into your body. Sad, but true.
I've got a little bit of Smelly Cat in me now. Captain Morgan would be much more welcome.