Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A Faker's Half-Dozen

Sioux has graced me with an award. It's no leg lamp, but it's not a broke-down Crog, either. And I'm all about free stuff. So I'm going to tell y'all a few little-known facts about myself. After all, it's my favorite subject.

1. Sometimes, despite my best intentions, I fall asleep in the recliner at 7:45 p.m. and awake at 1:00, realizing that I missed my daily blog post.

2. I love a good post-apocalyptic yarn. On the Beach, Earth Abides, Lucifer's Hammer, One Second After, The Stand, or Alas, Babylon...any way you slice it, I revel in the cataclysm. Virus, meteor, or nuclear bomb, it makes no never-mind to me. I love to see who takes charge, and who perishes due to stupidity. How contrived social conventions fall by the wayside, bowing to survival of the fittest and smartest. Sometimes the meek prevail. But not often.

3. To balance my karma, and appease Even Steven, I am also a fan of humorous, slice-of-life authors such as Jen Lancaster, Celia Rivenbark, Hollis Gillespie, Laurie Notaro, Lauretta Hannon, David Sedaris, Wade Rouse, Haven Kimmel, and Chelsea Handler.

4. As I type this, I have a tiny Band-Aid above my left eyebrow. I've not been injured, operated on, poked with a stick, had an unfortunate curling iron incident, nor bitten by a brown recluse. Neither am I trying to look all Nelly-cool. It worked for him. For me, not so much. I'm sure it's just the location of the miniature plastic adhesive strip. Cheek = cool. Eyebrow = loser. Actually, mine is to hold some triple-antibiotic ointment over a wayward eyebrow follicle.

5. Jelly Belly flavors enjoyed by Ms. Val Thevictorian are: buttered popcorn, toasted marshmallow, Tutti Frutti, and bubblegum. Those she abhors: dirt, sardine, earwax.

6. I have had several near-death experiences. In my mind, anyway. They range from nearly falling into a roaring Alaskan stream where I saw a grizzly bear and salmon poachers, to rolling a Chevy Chevette three times down the center line of Missouri Highway 8.

7. I have a fear of heights and deep water. Because really. Depth is just height under water. The day I was supposed to jump off the 10-meter tower (that's 33 feet, you know) in my Swimming and Diving Techniques class was particularly stressful. I told the instructor that I simply could not do it. And that if it meant I had to drop the class, change my major, whatever...I would just have to change horses in the middle of that ol' higher education stream. Another girl voiced the same fear. He talked HER into jumping off the platform. It was outdoors. She changed her mind on the way over the edge, turned around in midflight to try and grab the platform, and swung in toward the concrete pool deck. She missed it by about 18 inches. The instructor covered his face with his gradebook, so certain was he that she was going to end up as a flesh-and-crushed-bone pancake. Lucky for her, she survived with only a full-body bruise. The instructor offered to give us both the credit if we agreed to take his beginning swimming class for a second time. Piece of cake. The hardest part of that was the 30-minute drownproofing test. All you had to do was float like a dead man, face in the water, DEEP WATER, under the 3-meter board. No touching the sides. We both passed.

And there you have it. Seven things you didn't know, and possibly didn't want to know, about Val. I am not passing on this award, because the last time I bestowed such an honor, none of the recipients played along. So don't worry. Val's not giving out any more such gifts. Spurn me once, shame on...shame on you. Spurn me...you can't get spurned again. That's what I always say. I heard that from some world-famous dude one time.


Lynn said...

Hey, I'm glad you played the game as it was good to know more about you since I just joined your blog. But ewwww, how can you stand Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly's? And wow on your near death experiences!

Sioux said...

I agree with Lynn. I once did a 180 in my car (not on purpose), and was still going westbound on highway 70 but facing backwards (along the guardrail). That was scary, but nothing compared to what you experienced.

Thanks, Val, for playing along.

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

"Depth is just height under water." That owned me. I am terrified of heights UNLESS I'm in an airplane. I am only afraid of falling, and you can't fall out of an airplane. I try not to think about the millions of little bolts and mechanical parts that have to work perfectly to prevent that, but planes don't bother me. Terrorists. Terrorists on planes bother me.

I love water and am not afraid of deep water. I'm staying on the top. It can be 6 feet deep or 6,000. I'm only going to need the top five feet and four inches.

Katie Gates said...

Oh wow, your closing made me LOL. That world-famous dude. God, the thought of hearing his voice makes me cringe. I'm over here from Sioux's and I agree that you need more followers. So, I'm adding one.

I, too, have height issues, particularly when combined with open space. That line is brilliant: "Depth is just height under water."
I define my height issues as a deep and profound respect for gravity.

In order to post this comment, I've been asked to verify the "word" BACTUTI. Another possibility for buttered popcorn? Tutti Frutti laced with E-coli, I'm thinking...

Linda O'Connell said...

I remember the exact moment that I realized depth was just height under water. Hubby coaxed me into the lake at Johnson Shut Ins, and I, a poor swimmer, floated out too far to clutch the edge or touch bottom. I looked down-down-down, thirty feet down into the crystal clear lake and saw a fish as large as meat the bottom. Geeze, I kicked like a kid having a tantrum and railed on hubby when I got out. Okay, really I clung to him, scared witless.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Fantasy end of the world and deep water .....
I will not enter water that I cannot see through. My mother tried to teach me to swim when I was about 5 by dropping me into a creek of brackish water. You know, the swim or sink method. I sunk, opened my eyes and was absolutely terrified and sucked in a lungful of that nasty water. I don't know who pulled me out, but to this day I have a healthy fear of the water. Okay, maybe it is not so healthy. Perhaps I should call a therapist now ........

Val said...

I LOVE the buttered popcorn Jelly Bellies! They are my favorite. So filling. So savory. Qualities hard to find in a jelly candy.

I am planning to elaborate on a couple of my near-death experiences in the near future. Because I can.

I forgot about the 360 I did on I-44 about 20 miles outside of Springfield. Not that I'm a bad driver or anything. So I can totally identify with your 180. Except for the going-backwards thing.

What's the matter with you? Afraid of heights, but not of flying! Turn in your acrophobia card forthwith, woman! The water thing, strangely enough, makes sense to me.

Thanks for following me. I may lead you astray at times, but we will eventually get back on topic.

I believe you may have just discovered the newest Harry Potter flavor for Jelly Belly. I don't think the bacteria-riddled Tutti Frutti has been done. Unless Ben and Jerry have been fiddling about with their flavors again.

I feel your panic. Lucky for me, I am built for floating. So the most terrifying part of this story is the LINDA-SIZED FISH at the bottom.

Several years ago, on one of Hick's auto tours of gravel roads of the hinterlands, I spied a catfish mouth nailed to a telephone pole. That thing was bigger than an Igloo cooler. The kind on wheels that can hold a case of beer and two bags of ice. It gave me the heebie-jeebies.

My mother taught me to swim in a brackish river. But she didn't toss me in. She held me up while I floated, and showed me how to kick and move my arms. Funny thing, I never saw my mom swim a stroke in her life. Maybe I should start to worry. Even after two semesters of Beginning Swimming.