Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Local Woman Performs Surgery in Kitchen

A local Backroads woman undertook a risky operation today in the kitchen of her home. Mrs. Val Thevictorian removed an opaque growth from the left upper quadrant of a patient known hereafter as Frigidaire.

The patient presented with complaints of a blockage in his refrigeratory system. Though he didn't speak English, faux Dr. Thevictorian deduced the problem from the grunts and grumblings of the patient upon efforts to provide an ice sample for the lab. Frigidaire was so compacted that a total removal of his frosty bladder was necessary to establish the extent of the blockage. Dr. Thevictorian immediately scheduled emergency surgery in the kitchen theater.

The patient's organ and a few sundry bits and pieces were removed and placed upon the cutting block. Dr. Thevictorian called for a scalpel, only to discover that she was alone in the operating room. She hurriedly grabbed the next best instrument available: a dull butter knife. Because the patient had not carried out pre-surgery protocol, Dr. Thevictorian found the frosty bladder to be full of icy stones. She shook the bladder over the liquid waste trough to gain access to the walls of the organ. Rather than the smooth, white sides she expected, Dr. Thevictorian found parts of Frigidaire's frosty bladder coated with rough, opaque plaque.

Dr. Thevictorian hacked at the plaque with her dull butter knife until chunks separated from the walls of the frosty bladder. She flung them across the kitchen operating theater into the liquid waste trough. She stuffed the frosty bladder with cellulose packing until all excess fluids were absorbed. Then Dr. Thevictorian reached into Frigidaire's body cavity to remove free-floating stones. She whacked at Frigidaire's metal rotator cuff until extraneous plaque fell off. The frosty bladder was reattached.

The operation lasted twenty-three minutes. Upon signing off on her surgery log, Dr. Thevictorian noticed the sundry bits and pieces remained on the cutting block, next to the sodden packing and the dull butter knife. She quickly reopened Frigidaire and stuffed the rest of his parts back where they came from. She laid the surgical instrument next to the autoclave, and disposed of the packing in the hazardous waste bin.

It was a successful surgery for Dr. Thevictorian. Today's operation, plus one more, will make it two in a row. Dr. Thevictorian is considering a career as an unlicensed physician. Or perhaps a refrigeration technician.

8 comments:

Sioux said...

And the patient survived...Thank goodness. And the surgeon will be back tomorrow, hard at work, perhaps removing some cancerous dust-bunnies from under a couch?

knancy said...

Congratulations on such a successful coldesystectomy!

Sioux said...

Val--I keep reading and re-reading this post, so often, I have it memorized now. Reading the post right before it and then the one on your "surgery" made the pair the most clever combination of extended metaphor-scary urban tale.

I am so impressed I am going to cater a family celebration for you. And what will the festive tidbits be? Belly Bombers, of course!

Val Thevictorian said...

Sioux,
I am a SPECIALIST, goshdarnit! I will never be caught exploring for couch detritus.

Nor do I remove kidneys and leave the patient unconscious in a bathtub full of ice in Mexico.

I would prefer that you did not bless our happy home with Belly Bombers. Surely your conscience will not allow you to endanger the lives of nine goats, twenty-five chickens, three guineas, two dogs, and five cats. On second thought, three of those cats are negotiable.

In lieu of the Belly Bombers, please consider some succulent gas station chicken.

*****************************
knancy,
If only I could have come up with that procedure! Having had a cholecystectomy myself, I am kicking my own behind right now for my uninventiveness.

Kudos on coining such a fine term for my kitchen surgery!

Tammy said...

I am truly impressed. The most I've done is a triple-valve-replacement in my toilet, but only because I messed up the first two.

Val Thevictorian said...

Tammy,
As a noted toiletologist, your services will be solicited when I form my appliance physicians group.

labbie1 said...

I am certain that the patient was relieved that you found the sundry bits and pieces and stuffed them in before the final sign off! LOL LOVE IT!!

Val Thevictorian said...

labbie,
And relieved that I did not throw in any extra bonus parts.