Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

When Time Stands Still

I am slowly going crazy. Tonight, my internet speed is the s l o w e s t speed ever imagined. A narcoleptic snail could make a trip from Milan to Minsk in the time it takes a page to load. In fact, I could pen an entire screenplay for "Go Snail, Go Snail: A young mollusk's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk" before my comments page opens.

In the time left over, I could take a gallon jug of molasses from my refrigerator and pour it into four quarts, then read The Stand (the 1153 page unabridged edition), and trek outside to fill my backyard pool with a garden hose.

The current speed limit on my information superhighway is slower than an elementary-school drop-off zone.

A young rooster and hen could mature, engage in courtship, acquire a real estate agent, rehab an old coop, flog themselves silly, hatch their very own Egghead, Jr., and send him off to poultry college before I can view a recently clicked link.

The line at the motor vehicle registration office moves faster than my internet, even counting that one day when all clerks stopped working to pay for their watermelons, delivered by a meth-bearded, overalled dude in a pick-up truck, and politely asked the patrons if they would like to purchase any for themselves.

Oh, how I long for the salad days of dial-up.

7 comments:

Kathy's Klothesline said...

At least yu are getting a lot done as you wait.

Josh Hoyt said...

Nice point Kathy. So no more complaining Val :) Just think of all the things that you have finished in the time it takes for you to get this comment. The snail may make it much farther if you just give it a chance :)

Val Thevictorian said...

Kathy,
Yes, the time lapse was conducive to multitasking.

Val Thevictorian said...

Josh,
Surely, you jest. To take away my complaining would result in a blank blog. A leopard could more easily change his spots than Val could blog about rainbows and unicorns and world peace.

That snail can circumnavigate the globe while singing Yankee Doodle as far as I'm concerned. I bear no ill will toward snails. But if that snail thinks I will be sitting here waiting for his return, with helium balloons and a quarter sheet cake with buttercream icing, he's got another snail think comin'.

hocam said...

Mine's the same. It's a bit like the Scarlet Pimpernel....we seek it here, we seek it there. Now you have it now you don't. Sooooo frustrating.

Val Thevictorian said...

hocam,
Maybe they have a little control button, and when they get us hooked on adequate internet service, they spin the dial to the TORTOISE setting just to mess with us.

Fresh conspiracy theories. Just another service I offer.

hocam said...

Sounds like something my family might organise, they are probably in league with our ISP in a last ditch effort to gain my attention