Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Sunday, May 15, 2011

My Faux Family Reunion

Sometimes I waste time reading blogs, sometimes I waste time sitting in front of reality television, sometimes I waste time staring into space with my mouth hanging open, and sometimes I waste time by creating alternate worlds to suit my needs.

In one such world, I am the backwoods hillbilly cousin of Jen Lancaster and Celia Rivenbark and Paul Feig and Wade Rouse. I see Cousin Paul as kind of a city hillbilly, what with his home town having four times the population of mine. But Cousin Wade had to pull himself up by his Ozarks bootstraps to escape Missouri and his backwoodsiness. Which he did by ending up in the backwoods of Michigan. Where Cousin Paul grew up.

Just imagine our family reunions. In Missouri, of course, because my cousins are world travelers, but I am not. I would take charge of booking the park pavilion for our potluck barbecue picnic. It would be the second best pavilion, because that girl behaving badly, Chelsea Handler, booked the best one. That's how she rolls. Because four books and two TV shows aren't enough. She's always itching to be the fly in the ointment of anybody who needs ointment...or who is simply trying to enjoy a faux family reunion.

There we'd sit, Cousin Jen and Cousin Celia imbibing some tasty cocktails and dishing on the sartorial choices of unrelated hillbillies in the park, while pointedly ignoring Chelsea's unsuccessful attention-getting antics. Of course, the cocktails would have to contain alcohol other than vodka, because Ms. Chelsea sent her minions ahead to buy up all the vodka in the county, and is, in fact, perched upon a throne made from cases of vodka.

Cousin Wade would be nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers at being back in Missouri, having worked so hard to put half a country between it and his current abode. At least he can use the trip to mine material for his next book. And I know wild raccoons couldn't keep him away from visiting me, his hillbilly Cousin Val.

I would spend some quality time with Cousin Paul, trying to persuade him to go back to memoir-writing, to chuck the whole directing/producing/acting thing. Who needs money when your words can make people laugh?

This reunion is running longer than expected. I blame the significant others who are fiddling about with the barbecue. It's enough to make me wave a white flag and ask Chelsea for some vodka. Maybe she can spare one of those little airline bottles. I'm certain there will be some type of humiliation (mine) involved for her trouble.

5 comments:

Josh Hoyt said...

Hmmm none of my comments are getting posted. Not sure why they are not showing up unless you have black listed me *wags finger* then *grins* Hope everything is going okay love reading the blogs as usual:)

Val Thevictorian said...

Josh,
This is the first comment I have seen from you in a week or more. They're not showing up on my dashboard, and not showing up in my email notification. I thought I had lost my mojo in luring you here to waste time!

I have another commenter who never shows up in the email, but only on the dashboard. I can't figure it out. Believe me, I post any comment I get, short of that Mattdew, who told me I won seven hundred and fifty thousand British pounds, or that doctor who had a business proposition for me.

I will even allow you to "grin" every now and then. Good to hear from you again. I figured you were just busy with your defense mechanisms. And I see that my prime skill of HUMOR made today's list.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I am hurt that you did not book my park for your make-believe to-do! I would have cranked up the sno-cone machine for some vodka-spiked traets!!

Val Thevictorian said...

Kathy,
Allow me to apologize profusely for my inconsiderate oversight. Your kampground would have been the perfect location. I will definitely book your facility for my next faux family reunion. Maybe you can point us to that restaurant with the really rude, put-upon waitress so we can wreak havoc.

Josh Hoyt said...

I have been busy that is for sure but I could never miss my daily laugh :)