Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Friday, June 15, 2012

The Icky and Scratchy Show

I don't mean to brag, but at the present time, I am sporting one big ol' honkin' fingernail.

Not for Val are French manicures. Nor the soaking of her digits in Palmolive at the behest of Madge. No fancy geometric patterns, no bedazzling, no color-coordination with clothing. No cuticle scissors or sticks, no metal files or emery boards. No polish. Oh, my nails are not raggedy. Not chewed to the quick. But they are nothing to brag about, unless you count that one big ol' honkin' fingernail. Not that I'm braggin'.

It doesn't signify anything special, my MegaNail. It was not planned. My nail-trimming routine is somewhat similar to my haircutting routine. Not the process of trusting my tresses to a true professional, of course. You should remember that does not happen. I have the Butcher of Seville, after all. But in those in-between times when I feel a need to trim, I just do it. Sometimes, even in the light, and with a mirror. It's somewhat the same for my fingernails. Only I don't have a Butcher of the Nails. I am always carving away at them as the need arises. Which means that sometimes, all ten are not on the same page.

Perhaps one fingernail has been injured in a threading accident. Or sliced inadvertently in a sink full of dishes. Or bent backwards in a rush to open the refrigerator for a feeding frenzy. Which would necessitate immediate trimming. So when the other nine are ready, this one is not. Maybe I want to let it grow so it can once again become part of the regular trimming routine. Maybe I revel in the existence of one good scratcher. But I draw the line at referring to him as Ol' Scratch.

All people are not so enamored of my enormous nail as I. Just a few minutes ago, Genius commanded, "Eew! Do something about that nail!" Funny how he waited until after I had folded his mayoral-campaign dress shirt suitable for packing for his upcoming eight-day trip to Missouri Boys' State.

Hopefully, nobody notices MegaNail when I am out in public. I don't want to be mistaken for a cocaine snorter. Imagine my surprise when those savvy city co-workers of mine at the South St. Louis unemployment office explained the long pinky-nail phenomenon. Who knew it was for scooping coke? Not me. Surely they weren't just snipe-hunting with me. I bought their explanation for claimants in leather jackets on hot days, too. That they were packing. Not for a trip. And not in the manner of oversize reproductive equipment. Nope. Those dudes had a gun in the armpit. That's why they preferred to sweat rather than remove the jacket.

MegaNail is never going to be featured in the Guinness Book of World Records. I'm not planning for him to spiral like a pig's tail until I have to hang him out the passenger window while driving. He's fast approaching the limit of his usefulness. Once he starts affecting my keyboard performance, he's gone.

It's hard to say goodbye.


Chickadee said...

Long pinky nails are for snorting? Really? I didn't know that either.

Does that explain why some men have long nails? I guess I'm sexist when I say I am repulsed by man hands with long nails.

Sioux said...

Along with scooping coke, a long pinkie nail would be good for:

* spreading hair dye evenly on your eyebrows (even though it says to only use on the hair on your head, they're just joshin')

* sabotaging Hick's puff-pastry delicacies by poking a hole into them at a crucial moment (I'm SURE Hick is into puff pastry, right?)

I'm rooting that the long nail lives a long and happy life...

Stephen Hayes said...

Treasure it while you can. I bit my nails terribly as a kid but finally broke the habit as an adult. Now I find it pesky to have to trim them all the time.

Joanne said...

Mine never catch up with each other, either. And don't even get me started on toe nails.

Donna Volkenannt said...

Congratulations on your Meganail.

A couple months ago I was fascinated by a cashier's nails at a filling station. Not only were her nails about two-inches long and brightly decorated in a variety of colors and patterns, one of them had a tiny photo of either her son or a boyfriend on it.

Val said...

Yeah. That's how I found out. I asked a coworker why so many men had those long pinky-finger nails.

Hick is sorely lacking in the puff pastry department. But MegaNail IS a good Hick-poker. It gets results.

I am sometimes a biter. But not a chewer.

Oh, don't worry about me getting you started on toenails. Because I ABHOR feet! Unless we're talking baby feet. Because that's the best part of the baby.

Val said...

I really need to invest in some trifocals. Because I read that as the cashier having tiny POTATOES on her nails.