Hick is spending the weekend as head BBQer at an ongoing fundraiser for Genius's Project Graduation. Don't gasp. He's not BBQing heads. He's in charge. But to hear him tell it, BBQed heads would sell better than the BBQed hot dogs.
I know why. Hick brought home a few leftovers last night. Have I mentioned what a
good BBQer he is? That's his best quality, I think. His claim to fame.
The reason we starry-eyed kids have maintained our union for so long. That, and his
talent for cleaning up vomit and killing bugs. That seems somehow wrong.
Talking about vomit and bugs in the same paragraph as Hick's BBQ. I
have a penchant for digression.
Let's try that again. I
know why the hot dogs were not selling. I saw them. They were smaller
than Slim Jims. I don't know where one could find hot dogs so small. Not
Vienna Sausages small. Vienna Sausages have way more girth than Hick's
hot dogs. They're like those pitiful sheep that Rene Zellwegger as Ruby
Thewes in Cold Mountain traded Nicole Kidman's piano for. She got ten
sheep, because put together, they weren't no bigger than six proper
Well, if you were to lay down your hard-earned cash on the
barrelhead for one of these BBQed hot dogs, you would return after
eating it to initiate the great Hot Dog Eaters vs Hicks feud. Because
it would take three of Hick's hot dogs to make one proper hot dog. If Hick
used his mad BBQ skillz as a platform to run for political office, his
opponent would call him all bun and no hot dog. Clara Peller herself
would call from beyond the grave to ask, "Where's the DOG?"
I don't subscribe to Direct TV. But I could write a commercial for them.
When your cable goes out, you get bored.
When you get bored, you look for something to do.
When you look for something to do, you find a rock swap where Hick is BBQing.
When you find a rock swap where Hick is BBQing, you eat a hot dog.
When you eat a hot dog, you cut your lip.
And when you cut your lip, you see that it was caused by a bite into Leann Rimes.
Don't bite into Leann Rimes.
Get rid of cable, and upgrade to Direct TV
See how simple that was? And to think, I'm giving it away for free.