RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: May 5, 2012
A Backroads youth refused to take part in a scam involving the impersonation of a foreign dictator today.
Pony Thevictorian, fourteen, was targeted earlier this week as an accomplice in identity theft. Pony was not present at the time of his nomination. It appears that his father had offered him up for the crime last week. Other adults in the stolen identity ring ran with the plan while Mr. Thevictorian was out of town on business. Legitimate business.
The plot began to unravel when Mrs. Thevictorian, a local Backroads celebrity, got wind of it at work. Her boss mentioned in passing that he heard the younger Thevictorian would be impersonating Little Caesar in the annual school carnival parade. Mrs. Thevictorian denied the rumor, then commenced to fact-checking.
Genius Thevictorian, older brother of Pony, was interrogated first. He sang like a hyperactive canary all hopped up on energy drinks. "I heard the exact same thing! Everybody is telling me that. I have no idea where they heard about it!"
A frantic call to Mr. Thevictorian revealed his contribution to the clandestine caper. "I might have mentioned it at a previous meeting of the Unofficial School Carnival Organization and Implementation Committee. But apparently they followed through without my input at the last meeting. I have since learned that Pony has been a member of the school band for the past three years, and as such, cannot cavort along the parade route dressed as Little Caesar. A new impersonator will have to be found."
Pony declared that nobody had approached him in person to request his assistance in the operation. "This is the first I have heard of it. Even if somebody asked me to be Little Caesar, I would say no. If Dad tells me to do it, I won't. I have to march with the band."
Update: 6:30 p.m.
Little Caesar was observed riding in the back of a white Dodge pickup truck over the entire parade route. He did not wave to the crowd or toss coupons to the children with painted faces who lined the street, gazing woefully skyward at yellow-and-blue mottled helium balloons which had escaped the thin, red ribbons tethering them to their wrists.
In front of the grandstand, Little Caesar was seen ramming his arm up under his toga, in what appeared to be an attempt to remove his own spleen, or deliver an alien that was intent on bursting from his rib cage.
His identity remains unknown.