Gosh! Here I've been, partying it up, playing games like there's no tomorrow, and people have been trying to contact me via email! Okay, so it's actually via SPAM email. But still! I'm in high demand. So much so that I deleted a whole boatload of requests just so I could start fresh. But here are the latest.
I'm a brand new one-hundred-thousandaire! It's true! The Western Union Board has awarded me the sum of $100,000. Or as they refer to it, $100000 USD. Because you know, that's how we wacky American United Statesians refer to our money around here. And that's simply for doing nothing! I didn't have to enter a contest, buy a lottery ticket, or even contact Western Union. I was rewarded for sitting here in my basement pecking away at the keyboard, with brief intervals of intrafamilial game-playing to liven up my existence. Kudos to me! I can't wait to get my fortune.
Oh! I don't have to wait. Because you know what? The first $5000.00 was sent today. Today, as in December 23, according to the Transfer Alert from Western Union Money Transfer. I'm surprised it didn't arrive TODAY. That's plenty of time. Four days. I wonder how they got my bank information for a direct deposit? Those zany Western Union cut-ups! They are all about giving during this holiday season. They even sent me the $5000.00 before they awarded me the $100000. Can't beat that with a stick!
If that's not enough money for me, I also have a business to fall back on. Perhaps it is a business instructing people how to use prepositions to end sentences with. Perhaps not. But whatever it is, Mr James Adom is a potential buyer. He contacted me on December 21. What a polite fellow, though a bit challenged in the capitalization, punctuation, and syntax departments. "Good day and how are you. please am interested in your product i want to know more about the price and your packaging and more also send me your product details and your website" I hope he will not be disappointed in my as-yet unwritten instruction manual. I'm sure he won't mind sending me the money first. He might even be a Western Union one-hundred-thousandaire himself!
I wonder if Mr James Adom has relatives operating a business called JADOM'S TRADE? Because I'm thinking he shared the news of my fabulous non-product with them. They are so interested that they contacted me on Christmas Eve. And they are also very polite. Though I might need a makeover, because they apparently cannot tell if I am a man or a woman. Or their mom. My bad. Attention SIR/MA I want to buy your product kindly send me your website and your contact phone number and more also the new product you have in the market now, Please get back to me as soon as you can with this details i requested for, Thank you and have a great Christmas and New Year calibrations" Who could resist such a polite request? Me, for one.
But wait! Back up the Brinks truck, because BBC One National Lottery congratulates me on my success in the email electronic online sweepstakes! "A Draft of £1,263,584.00 GBP (One Million Two Hundred and Sixty Three Thousand, Five Hundred and Eighty Four Pounds Sterling) will be issued in your name as one of the lucky winners." I'm rollin' in dough! All I have to do is send my full name, address, nationality, phone number, age, sex, and occupation/position for validation. I don't know why I even bother to work.
Money is practically falling out of my nether regions. As if my award and current profits from my future business were not enough, a kindly foreign lass by the name of Zara Bulle wants to make me trustee of her inheritance! She is a Somalian citizen, female, age 24 years old, whose lawmaker father was killed in a bomb attack. Poor Zara just can't catch a break. She needs a trustee in another country to help her clear her refugee status. All I have to do is deposit her money in my bank account. "Before the death of my father, he told me that he made a fixed deposit of the sum of Four Million, Eight Hundred thousand United States Dollars (4.8Million USD) in one of the Banks in Burkina Faso with my name as his next of kin." I think she might give me a portion of that fortune, even though she doesn't specifically say so. You know how shy those Somalians are.
Everybody wants to give Val money! A Sergent Thomas Allen wants me to make an investment for him. He can't, you see. He's all tied up serving his country. I would suggest that he invest in a crash course on how to spell "sergeant" but that might be unpatriotic of me. He asks if he can trust me. Thomas! Zara trusts me! Why you wanna be that way? "My name is Sergent Thomas Allen. I am an American soldier presently on active service with Squadron battalion here in Afghanistan. I served with the Third Infantry Division in Iraq since 2003, before thousand of my lucky colleagues were pulled out in August last year, leaving my superior and myself among the unlucky ones redeployed to Afghanistan where I am serving presently. During my call to duty in Iraq, my superior and I moved US$25million (Twenty five million US dollars) being part of funds from late Saddam Hussein during a search in one of his palaces in 2003. Through the assistance of a Senior Red Cross Delegate to Iraq, this fund has been safely moved out of Iraq to a secured location" For helping, I could take 30% for myself. According to Sergent Thomas, that's $7.5 million. I didn't do the math, but I'm hoping he's better with numbers than with words. Gosh! I could be helping a serviceman! Not to mention Zara the orphan! I'm a true humanitarian!
I also have a Christmas Day email that is written in Chinese. I do not yet speak nor read that language. But I'm sure it's from somebody offering me money.
"When it rains it pours," as the Morton salt umbrella girl says.