The Great Patty Wagon Round-Up

Every now and then, during my vast, time-sucking hobby of patrolling the information superhighway, I run across a word-usage faux pas. I fancy myself somewhat of a grammar policewoman, a crusader out to give warnings, not throw offenders in the slammer before throwing the book at them and throwing away the key. I also fancy myself a fine connoisseur of cliches.

Today's crime involves the use of the term patty wagon, when paddy wagon was intended. Slang for a police van is paddy wagon. You're welcome.

What kind of world would it be if patty wagons roamed the earth? Imagine the possibilities...

Patty Wagon Round-Up Held On July 15

The fairgrounds were alive with patty wagons today, as the town of Backroads celebrated the 65th Annual Patty Wagon Round-Up. Wagons circled and drivers mingled with townspeople shortly after this morning's parade.

The kiddos were ecstatic, gathering up candies tossed by Peppermint Patty from her round brown-and white-wagon. Patty engaged fans with tales of her struggle to find a name for the refreshing mints. She first consulted her paramour, Chuck Brown, who had this to say: "(*Sigh*)". It was actually Peppermint Patty's close associate, Marcie, who came up with the sweet treat's name: "Why don't you call it a Peppermint Pattie, Sir?" After all those years of acting as a mentor to Marcie, Patty beamed with pride as she related her protege's contribution. "I would give my left sandal to have Marcie back again. Unfortunately, we had a falling out when I refused to give her a cut of the profits."

Patty McCormack takes a break from her busy show-biz career every year to participate in the Patty Wagon Round-Up. Her custom-made, basket-full-of-hugs shaped wagon dispenses bad seeds out the back. She has christened the wagon "Rhoda", and gets a kick of throwing penmanship medals to the crowd. Patty owns stock in a mail-order company that sells metal heel-reinforcers for children's shoes. No word on whether the Daigle family receives a share. Patty assured this reporter that there is no truth to the rumor that each state prison contains a little blue electric chair for boys, and a little pink electric chair for girls.

A three-tiered, white wagon with yellow trim was driven by Patty Cake and her baker's man. They stopped periodically to clap hands, even though they were in a rush to bake cakes as fast as they could. As soon as her baker's man rolled it and patted it, Patty marked each cake with a 'B', then deftly slid it into the portable oven for baking. Their tasteful routine made them a real crowd favorite.

Alas, time and space prevent further write-up of the Round-Up. Other notable participants were Patty Hearst in her black-and-white-and-read-all-over wagon called "The Tonya". Patty Duke was a real miracle worker in designing her split-down-the-middle wagon with one half being jet-set sophisticated and the other half working-class average. The crowd seemed to relish the hamburger patty wagon, simply ate up the chicken patty wagon, chortled at the Krabby Patty wagon, backed off from the pesty cow patty wagon that brought up the rear.

Good times were had by all. See you next year, at the Great Patty Wagon Round-Up!