Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Briefly a Great Notion

Do guys who wear their pants with the waistband sagging way down below their junk know how ridiculous they look? Really? Because I'm guessing the answer is, "No."

I stopped by the store today for some Krispy saltine crackers and some PAM. As I drove out of the parking lot, I had to detour around two young guys, one sporting this fashion statement. Perhaps you've heard of the movie, "Easy A." The speculative script of this dude's trip to the grocery store would be titled, "Difficult A." That's what he looked like. The letter A. The distance between his feet was twice as wide as the span of his shoulders. All in an effort to keep his shorts from dropping to the pavement. He walked like a kid in one of those half-body casts with the plaster bar at the ankles holding the legs apart. His knees did not bend as he swung one leg forward, then the next. All because of his personal trouser style. I know he had knees. I could see them lurking there just barely below the hem of his jeans shorts.

It's not like he was showing off his boxers. His T-shirt hung below his butt, covering the very top of his waistband. What is the point of this costume? It is not flattering. In fact, I think our cheerleaders used to dress up like this back in the day, the purpose being a humorous skit that had us in stitches at the pep rally. Why do these guys want to dress like an old-timey cheerleader and make me laugh?

Right there in the Country Mart parking lot, I had an epiphany. A scathingly brilliant idea. A new product for the infomercial market: boxer jeans. They would be a one-piece garment with an elastic waist, the top part boxers, the bottom part jeans or shorts. So they wouldn't sag. Yet they would still look like they were sagging. The modest male (yeah, right, like there is such a species) could wear briefs or regular boxers underneath, for fear of pantsing. Or depantsing, depending on what region of the country you live in. And the dudes who normally like to go about their day flippin' and floppin' like Kramer when he gave up his briefs can still go commando.

See? My product would be like a dickey for the pants. Fake boxers, sewn to jeans. This would leave the wearer's hands free for carrying both his Slurpee and Big Bite without hitching up his pants every three steps. The schoolboys could carry books and hold hands with the girlfriend in the hall. Don't be hatin' on Val's idea. Who amongst us would have thought there would be a market for pajama jeans? And it's more reasonable than the SNL fake Three-Legged Jeans. Seriously.

I might need to file for a patent. Or not. Because this was a great idea for my trip about town. But then I got home and talked it over with my best friend Google, and discovered that this product has been done.  Even my clever name has been taken, though used for a totally different product.

Back to the old parking lot.

8 comments:

Sioux said...

A dickey for pants? I thought that's what guys' pants covered already!

Seriously, I agree with you. It's not a good look, and the way saggers have to walk is ridiculous.

And pajama jeans is SO wrong, for so many reasons...

Linda O'Connell said...

The only way to stop them is for the gray hairs to start letting THEIR hiney's shine. A senior fad. Then the kids would stop. None of them want to be like their elders.

Josh Hoyt said...

Awesome!!! I agree with you that why these kids do this is beyond me and how do they run from the cops anyways:) That would be a site lol. I like the idea maybe you could change it a little and still get a patent!! Thanks for making me laugh.

Val Thevictorian said...

Sioux,
I knew somebody would get that dickey reference. The walk is bad enough, but the assault to the eyeballs during school lunch was almost too much to bear. And of course the women had to persuade one of the male faculty to caution the offender to cover his business. I am so glad it's summer, and that I can eat lunch without looking at underwear.

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Linda,
Wow! You are such a problem solver. But now I need a good brain wash to rid myself of the mental picture of gray-haired, shining hineys.

Tammy said...

Good idea, Clark.

Val Thevictorian said...

Josh,
Our biggest problem at school was the skateboard crowd. I don't know how they could skate with their pants hobbling them.

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Tammy,
Some might call it scathingly brilliant. Some might call me Clark.

BECKY said...

I would have to agree referring to it as the scathingly brilliant idea!

Val Thevictorian said...

Becky,
I strive to pattern my life after Hayley Mills movie quotes.