Unbagging the Cats 1

Unbagging the Cats 1

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Val is a Tough Taskmaster

There are some items which I have found necessary to outlaw from my classroom. They are not necessarily listed as prohibited in the student handbook. Still, I am the queen of my classroom, and my subjects must abide by the rules or be cast out until they can comply. I do not find the limitations to be unreasonable.

Items on Val's Classroom DoNot List:

Headphones, earbuds, earphones, etc. 
No matter what you call them, they are competition for Val's attention. Val is not hooked up to U.N. translator. That's because everyone in this school speaks the language of Val. No good can come of these not-listening-to-Val devices.

Blankets, pillows, stuffed animals.
We are not having a sleepover. We are having class. Bringing sleeping instruments will encourage you to nod off. Besides, who knows what you've got going on under that blanket. You could be sneaking a peek at your phone, or something more inappropriate. Wear a jacket if you're cold-natured. You don't see me strolling around with a quilt draped around my shoulders.

Bottles of water, soda, juice, Powerade, Gatorade, milk.
I don't think you will dehydrate in fifty minutes. Beverages can wait until after class. The handbook says no beverages outside the cafeteria. Who knows what you might have added? Bottles leak. Bottles make noise because you feel the need to squeeze them. My classroom is not a cool cafe where you hang out and chat with friends. It is a den of dry discussion where the thirst for knowledge is quenched with facts.

Oranges, apples, cupcakes, chips, sunflower seeds, ice cream, etc.
There is a time for lunch, and a time for class. Finish your feeding in the cafeteria. My classroom is not a movie theater. It is not dinner and a show. Don't think I can't smell you peeling an orange behind your big purse.

Big purses, backpacks, gym bags, limitations on:
They can come in, but they have to go under your desk. Do not clog up the aisles. Do not set it on your desk to obscure some clandestine operation. Nobody ever fishes their book, notebook, or pencil out of such a bag. It is just for show, and to bring in contraband. You're lucky this isn't the middle school. You would have your bag confiscated. Don't act like this is a new, cruel and unusual rule.

Perfume, cologne, nail polish, lotion.
Get ready at home. Don't let me catch you with smelly contraband. I will toss it in the trash. Nobody wants to smell your stuff for fifty minutes while we are confined in this classroom. I, especially, do not want to smell it for the rest of the day. It makes my nose run. It chokes me up. It's not permitted.

Various and assorted items that you think of later, to which I object.
Whatever you think up, I will disallow.

That's how Val rolls.


Josh Hoyt said...

This is so fun. And you should have many rules you are the queen after all. My favorite part, "It is a den of dry discussion where the thirst for knowledge is quenched with facts." I love this. I almost have to write grin. I have never done it before but because of your last post grin just keeps coming to mind. (grin) is that the write way to do it or is it "grin" or just grin.

Josh Hoyt said...

Just in case you kick me from your blog because of all my grins. hmmm can't think of anything witty dang it. :)

Val Thevictorian said...

You, sir, are sorely testing my grin-tolerance!

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

Well I also grinned at the same line.

*GRIN* Just be glad your readers are grinning and not eye-rolling. ;)

I'm with you about everything on the list. If we could just get ALLLLLLL the teachers to stick together, we wouldn't have kids who think it's okay to break out a bottle of perfume or a bag of chips in class. I got so sick of book-bag-contraband-fishers that I finally started a new "entering the classroom" procedure that required my students to go to a shelf on the back wall and leave their bags on it before going to their desk. This included girls' purses. They had to get out anything they needed for class before going to the desk and it was off limits the rest of the hour. Eliminating those bags from their desk area was a pretty genius move, if I say so myself. Of course, these were middle school kids. They don't QUITE think they're grown yet and it's probably easier to separate them from their contraband.

Barb Hodges said...

Val, my husband teaches in a high school. He will relate to this piece quite well. You are right to demand these rules to be followed. More learning is apt to take place.

Josh Hoyt said...

okay okay to make up for the grins I awarded you the stylish blogger award :) Check it out at my blog.

Val Thevictorian said...

I am happy they are grinning. I just want them to do it in a way that does not shout "grin" at me.

Yeah, what's up with those teachers who let them bring food every day and toss it across the room, who let them listen to their music, and use their phones, and drape themselves with blankets? They are acting like babysitters.

You're right about the older kids. They know their rights, by cracky! Until I send them to discuss the legalities with an administrator. I've only had to use that tactic twice in all these years.

That's why the kids don't like the rules. Because more learning will take place. I bet your husband has some good stories from the educational trenches.

Thank you so much for my special award. It's like being in a 15-way tie for Miss Congeniality! "grin"

Take that, you scalawag! A taste of your own "grin" medicine. Not as tasty as sweet, sweet Histinex, now is it? My "grin" is a bitter pill to swallow.

Josh Hoyt said...

grrrrr you got me again.