How's that for an eye-catching title?
Actually, it's my entry in a six-word story contest at Jennsylvania, blog home of Jen Lancaster, author of Bitter is the New Black, Bright Lights Big Ass, My Fair Lazy, Such a Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid, and her new novel, If You Were Here. I have all of Jen's nonfiction/humor/memoir books, but I'm still on the fence about trying her novel.
If you would like to enter this contest, get on the stick! It ends at 9:00 a.m. CST April 1st.
My six-word story is actually nonfiction. Years ago, I offered one of my classes some gummi bears left over from a fundraiser. I felt obligated to buy something from my own kids, and then they up and declared that they didn't really like gummi bears all that much. So I took them to school as snacks for my students. The gummi bears, not the kids. That's crazy talk, offering young boys for cannibalization!
One of the students asked to put his gummi bears in my microwave, to alleviate the hardness. That's not a euphemism. The candy was stale, and he wanted it softened. I agreed, but only for ten seconds. He shook them out of the bag, onto a paper plate. The microwave dinged, and he sat down at his desk with his tasty treat.
I was reading out loud to them, my at-risk class, because they were loathe to read on their own valuable time, which was better used for trespassing on private property that they mistook for a haunted house, until the owner jumped out with a gun and called the police. They were chowing down on gummis, wrapping their brains around one of the Dive books, by Gordon Korman.
"I can't eat these. It's Mary, praying."
I motioned for the student to bring Mary to my desk. Indeed, I saw the resemblance. She was kneeling, a baby swaddled in her arms. After a short disagreement concerning the phone-picture-taking of The Virgin, the student returned to his seat, and I resumed reading. The entire episode is recounted here, on my super-secret other blog. It was not a favorable outcome for Mary.
Let's just say that I won't get rich by selling the gummi Virgin Mary on eBay.